LIMBO

Limbo: Somewhere between here and there, not quite in heaven but not in hell either.

This definition pretty much sums up my 37^th year of life on this planet. A year of much limbo in so many areas of my life. Health, relationships, jobs, homes. So much seemed to be unknown. There has been a whole lot of waiting in this season. It has required a great deal of patience and trust. Like anyone, I have good and bad days. The key I find is not to let the bad days or moments carry on and not to let them have too much sway over your emotions and thoughts.

Sometimes you just need to feel it and release the emotions. These are also the days I dig deeper in the word, listen to worship music, or lean on a friend. Sometimes I want to ignore them and keep myself crazy busy or binge watch Netflix. I have since broken up with Netflix.

There are days when I’d do anything to mask what we’re facing or going through. Sometimes it’s okay, but eventually you have to deal with the feelings, the reality, and make a choice.  I hate limbo. I hate the waiting. I want to have it all figured out. I think we all do.

But it’s in the waiting where we develop what we need for the next chapter ahead.

In the waiting we find a new sense of what thankfulness is. It’s in the waiting where we discover who we are and what we are made of. It’s in the waiting that we discover who is with us.

We always have some area of our lives in a state of limbo. I have somehow managed to do many of them this year. However, currently (as in the last few weeks) my state of limbo is moving.  My new room is under construction and I am living out of boxes. I am in school for all the things, my undergrad and real estate school,  and studying to reinstate my good ole cosmetology license. I am dusting off that hat and getting ready to hustle. I am waiting for the old house to be sold and fully moved in to the new house. I am in the season of the doing, of preparing, I am neither here nor there.

I am also in the process of growing out my hair and any girl knows that the season of hair limbo is closer to the hell side…

This year has been tough for sure. But I serve a God who is constantly working for my good. I know he has a bigger plan at play and he is doing things in this season that I can’t even fathom. I have already started to see some of the pieces starting to fit together. I felt his goodness and kindness so many times through this last year. I have realized in this season that I am stronger than I thought. I can do the hard things. 

In tough times, you figure out who is really there for you. I feel so blessed to have some pretty amazing family and friends in my life. They have rallied behind me and been a huge source of joy and comfort. In the valleys you come to realize who your real friends are, the ones who show up when it’s not pretty. The ones who clean your toilets, help you move are your friends for life. Truth.

It was surprising and honestly a little hurtful to see who the ones were that just wanted to know the dirt, or to offer their advice, or the ones you realized used and lied to you and then never spoke to you again. Ouch right?!

Even though that was painful, I am thankful for it. No really, totally thankful. The ones who love you no matter what, who have the courage to say the hard things, to talk about it for the millionth time, to show up even when it’s not convenient. Who gently go beside you, encourage you and tell you when it’s time to stop watching Netflix (kidding a little bit)and face life…These are your people and tribe. These are the people who you want to invest into, to do life with. 

Also, hard seasons give you good material for the rest of your life. Because if you can’t laugh at it or through it, I think you will find life is harder. Find friends who can help you do this. I firmly believe we need to laugh, especially at ourselves. Sometimes I feel you can’t make up the things in my life, so I choose to find the humor in it all. Laughter through tears is truly the best medicine. 

In the waiting, old dreams may die but new dreams will be given life too. I find myself with a new courage that I didn’t have before. Maybe because I have to, but also because I want to. I want to show my kids how to live brave. I want to show them to try even if you fail, to keep picking yourself up, to fight for your dreams, and to have fun along the way. I am excited to see what God is preparing up ahead, because I know he is good and has good things for our life. I want to show my kids this attitude, to praise God through out every season, every storm.  

I love the story in the Bible in 2 Kings 7:3-4 where there are 4 men with leprosy sitting outside the city and they say “why stay here? If we go into the city where the famine is we die and if we stay we die. Let’s go into the camp of the Arameans (enemies) and surrender. If they spare us, we live, if they kill us, then we die.” They go and it says the Lord goes ahead of them and works a miracle and  has these 4 men sound like an army to the Arameans. The Arameans are terrified and left everything behind and ran away.  How awesome is that?! I love the attitude of these guys, what did they have to loose?

This story never gets old to me, it always challenges me to just try - to just keep going, to do my part, and let God do the rest. Hope is not a strategy, it’s action. It’s lived out with each step we take. Every morning, we wake up and try again. No matter how many times we feel delayed and in limbo, we make a choice to keep going. I may be in my mid-40s by the time I finish my undergrad and graduate school. But it’s my dream.

I know people think I am cray- cray for all the things going on in my life. But I am moving, I am taking action. I have a list of other things I want to do, and for my family. Some dreams may be silly to someone else but that’s what makes us all unique. I want to live this one life to my fullest potential. In the past, at moments the fear of failing has kept me from trying things I wanted to do. I had a fear of someone not liking my work, or worse just not liking me. Maybe it comes with age…because as I near 38, I am caring a lot less about that stuff. I like me. I care less if I fail, or if I need it explained again, or if something is not just for me. Not everything or every one is for you.  I am not sure what cool is, but I am not it, nor am I aspiring to be it.  #nerdsunite

No one is saying you have to be the best at what you want to try. No one is saying you have to be the most successful at your career. It’s like we tell our kids - it’s not about being the best, it’s about giving it your all…try your best, don’t give up, if you love it and it’s your dream -- Then go for it!

Not every thing you want to do has to be some big thing. Smart small, I am all about baby steps. So to encourage you, let me tell you one of my next small things -- I really want to take some of the dance classes my gym offers. Friends…lets be real here. In no way am I a dancer. I am 6ft tall and went to private school growing up. We had no dances except for the one we threw ourselves our sr. year, Footloose style in our friend’s shed in the country. I am awkward. I am so very far from the ground. I move slower than everyone. I usually avoid any classes that have too much rhythmic movements. As I walk by them, though, they always look like so much fun, and I would love to be a bit better at dancing. I will take any improvement. So, my small step will be showing up to one of these bad boys and no matter what, I will have tried and I am sure it will at least provide good comic relief. I know I won’t be the best, obviously, but if we only do the things we know we are good at in life, think about how much we would miss out on?

Maybe you’re also in a place of limbo. Life has thrown you a few curve balls. Your life isn’t going according to your plan (see what I did there…). I encourage you to take this season of waiting to prepare for your next chapter. Keep dreaming, keep trying, have fun, stay close to God. He has good things for you, take the first step and go.

Love is all you need

So here we are on Valentine’s Eve. The big day of love is upon us. It’s a day I have always had mixed emotions about. I think so many of us really do. For some it’s a fun holiday. For others, it’s day they wish they could just skip over.

It’s kinda like coconut…you either love it or hate it.

I’ve had moments where I too have hated it.  However, I’m now one of those that love it! Feel free to eye roll here, but hear me out. It’s not for the reasons you may think.  

I was never the super popular girl who had valentines from all the boys. I didn’t have any. From any boys. Pretty much ever. I was a chubster, who was nearly 6 feet tall by 6^th grade, had glasses and a bad perm. The eighties were not kind to me friends. However, that’s not my point. Just know that I can relate to the Josie Grossie’s of the world, to Bridget Jones singing Celine Dion “All by Myself” dreaming of her Mark Darcy. 

I spent many years in school wishing and hoping that this year I would get a rose from an admirer. I remember hearing the rose cart approach our classroom, and Id think maybe this year?! It was usually the same three popular girls who received so many they ran out of desk space. Seriously why do they do this in school? Brutal.

My point is that I am not your typical person who should love this day. I have spent the majority of these days single. When it comes down to it, whether we hate it or not, this holiday comes. Luckily I had an amazing mom, she always made this day special for me and my sister. She always had candy or fun socks, something to celebrate the day. It always made the day a little brighter. I had something to look forward to.

A few years ago, I learned an important lesson. I was inspired by a post by Jen Hatmaker (who else). She was baking cookies and making notes with her kids to give and pass out to the homeless. It got me thinking. I recently had been gifted a few huge bags of candy from a friend who worked for a chocolate company…which, let’s face it, wasn’t doing me any favors by having it around.

I decided to follow her lead and put it the candy to good use. I put them in ziplock bags along with homemade notes I made with the kids. I loaded up my kids, who were 2 and 4 years old and headed into Minneapolis. It was no easy task. We were stuck for some time in Valentine’s Day traffic with two small kids and my car is DVD-less.  When we finally emerged from our car, tired and thinking I made a mistake. We quickly rebooted our attitudes when we began passing our valentines out and wishing people a Happy Valentine’s Day.

I forget how little they were. 

It sounds silly and simple I know, but it was the most precious Valentine’s Day I ever had. Seeing the faces of the people we gave them to, hearing the stories of their days, and the conversations are some I will never forget. My then-4 year old, now 9, still remembers this day too. I can still close my eyes and see the joy in his face as he handed them to everyone. He wasn’t shy or awkward about it, he gave so freely and happily. I wanted to make it a yearly tradition, and then I had the twins and leaving my house required mass planning and extra hands on deck. But I want to bring it back, it needs to return!

I learned that day, as Amy Grant says (I love Amy and I throw her in whenever I can), it’s all about the love, and that indeed it is such a hard day for so many.  A smile and a warm gesture not only can change their day but yours too. We feel a little less alone, a little more connected to one other. 

I have come to love this day. I love making it special for my four little Valentines. We have our own traditions, and I look forward to it every year. I want them to know how loved they are, though it may be a commercial holiday it’s another day to make others feel seen and loved. I want them to know that we can look in our own corner of the universe and try to make it a little brighter for those around us.

So tomorrow, instead of dwelling on the lack of Valentines you may receive, I encourage you to look around your world and share some love. Last but not least, be kind to yourself, we are not losers if we are single on this day. We are worthy of love!  So go and give it -- shake off the negative words that you may normally tell yourself, buy yourself a beautiful cup(this is how I refer to coffee) and maybe for someone else too. Have fun with the day, change it up, find a way to celebrate the day of love!

Love is free, valentine or not, I am a hopeless romantic and believe that love is all around us if we open our eyes. You never know how it can change the moment, day, or life of someone. Maybe the person who changes is you.

Happy Valentine's Day! 

2018 My Battle Cry

It is December 31^st and as a I sit here reflecting about the year, I am thankful. In some ways, this has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have been navigating health issues, and I have ended up going to Mayo Clinic for answers. It’s been months of endless appointments with more pricks and pokes than I have cared for. If you know me, needles are not my favorite, or I should say not my veins’ favorite. They seem to be hard to find, and this results in many, many pokes. It’s also been a season of heartache and loss personally, and a financial pressure returned that I hoped I would never see again. So, in general a weird time to navigate through.

I have had good days where I feel I am on top of it, I drink from my wonder woman mug and think “I got this.”  Then there are the not-so-good days where it feels like too much, that everything is too much. The worry and fear like to creep in on these days. However, the bad days have become less and less. My strength, my humor, all of it is returning. Thanks to time, and God never giving up on me. A little change in thought and perspective is a wonderful thing.

I have felt that this season has shown me is that God really is always faithful. Always.  As Christine Caine says, “He who has promised is faithful.” Within this season of life, he has never left me alone. God continues to use everything for his good, and for his alone. He gently guides me in showing me how to look at things differently. He shows me how to be thankful for everything.

I literally count my blessing, every morning and every night. This helps to keep my mind positive, focused on his goodness. He has continued to send my friends and family; and their support is like a constant warm hug. He has provided every need, literally every need. When it looked like there was no way, a check came in the mail, moments like that happened more than once. I even had a bill that I supposedly overpaid and they returned money to me. You know the things that you always hear about that only seem to happen to other people…that happened for our family.

That is what God does.

This is who he is.

I realized in past seasons I was not seeking him fully, surrendering to him 100%. I was putting my hope in man, in jobs, in things that will never bring me security. Those things are not real. These are all things I know, and yet I somehow navigated away from seeking only him, and trusting him. I tried to take it all on, and keep it all together. In doing so, I took a toll on my body. I wasn’t walking in what God had for me. I was never meant to carry it all.

 I remember growing up and reading the Old Testament, the part of the Israelites who keep wandering in the desert because of their disobedience and bad attitudes. I remember thinking, “how dumb are these people?!” I mean come on…can’t they see what they are doing, what is the gold calf going to do? And manna from heaven…stop complaining!  How bad can it be? I remember thinking as a young “good little Christian kid,” I would never do something like that. This story is for other people.

SO embarrassing as an adult who now sees how I do this, how I try to make what I want in my timing.

This is what Paul means to be thankful for every season, in want and in plenty. In these seasons, there are moments for us to refocus, it is actually loving of God. In these moments, I see that even though some of these unfortunate things in my life were a result of others poor choices, that God can and does still use it for his good and glory.

As I enter 2018, I lay it down. I tell God I am all in. I seek him and his will for my life; knowing and trusting that his plan is better. I no longer worry about the future. That’s not my job. I focus on the next right thing. I am thankful for his relentless love for us, the compassion and the arms wide open that are always there. It’s not just for me, it is available to you as well.

Perhaps 2017 was a doozie, and you are feeling the weight of it all, too. You are not alone. I am human so of course I still have moments. I still have waves of emotions that flow through me. I am slowly learning to continue to give it to God, to not get wrapped up in my emotions. To not stay there.

Let’s start by keeping it simple and seek God. Let’s give over all the things we can’t control. Let’s give him permission to have 100% access to our life and trust that he will work it all for his good. Let’s praise him on the good and on the bad days. I am an over-thinker, I overanalyze everything, and look at it seven different ways. So, I know that you’re possibly thinking, “it is not that simple.” I get that. I have been there. I can still find myself in that place. However, I think we are the ones that complicate it.

I think trusting God is like a muscle we have to keep using. It has to become your mantra; your battle cry. In fact, I have to say it over and over throughout the day, when I feel my thoughts racing and the worry creeping in. I even put “Good is good” on our Christmas card this year. Because even if things do go badly I believe “He is still good.”

Things will come at you in this life, that is our one constant. Just when you think things are going your way or your plan is coming together, something happens and knocks the wind out of us (I really hate when that happens). However, if we trust and seek God in all of it, then we can allow him to work in it. I remember what he has done in the past, that he is the same amazing God he has always been. In your season of hardship, you never know the new friendships that will happen because of it, or the better job opportunity that will lie up ahead. We can’t always see what he has protected us from. We are reminded many of us our in tough seasons and we can pray for one another and lend support. 

I sometimes wonder if I over-share. Maybe I do, but I want to share what God is doing while I am walking through this hard season. I want you to know that you are not alone, that we can help each other. I have always believed that Satan’s favorite trick is to have us believe we are alone. I don’t have all the answers, I am not perfect (I am right a lot though...just ask my kids, ha!), but I know who does.

Hebrews 12:1-3

“Let us strip off every weigh that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.”

So for 2018, I pray I continue to seek Jesus. I bravely walk into what he has for me, even if I am afraid. I keep my eyes on him and praise him on good and bad days.

Ps. I don’t have New Year’s resolutions really, because after a week I fail.  I do have some goals for the year. I am hoping to be more active in blogging. I have a few I am working on. Some have a little different feel then the past blogs. More satirical and humor filled called “tall tales” and one on one of my biggest struggles…my mouth (not language, although let’s face it, I am not always perfect there either). Prayers welcome.