Marriage. A forever winter?

 There are some days that I just want to escape. Not forever of course, but maybe a short stay in a cute B&B next to the ocean somewhere. Doesn't that sound magical? I just want to be alone. I want to hear the quiet - no music, no TV. Just  the sound of the ocean and a good book in my hand. I love my family and I have been actually trying to be home a little bit more than usual. I am a stay at home mom you say, aren't you home all the time? Monday through Friday, until Zak walks in the door, I am here with the kiddos.

We haven't been home all together as a family as much this last year. It was just one of those seasons. We had 2nd jobs and activities galore. We have been parenting in shifts, which is hard on everyone. Sure, we schedule family time, but we need to find our family's rhythm again, a new one,  and be home together more. 

A lot of this is due to about a year ago, my life fell apart, or at least I thought it did. Even just months ago, I wasn't sure that my marriage was going to make it. When all of this was first happening, I realized that I needed to get out of the house more. I needed time and quiet to think through my thoughts and feelings. This was nearly impossible when I was at home knee-deep in little twins, and busy 4 and 6 year olds. I began by making more time for friends, got myself signed up for therapy (about time, I say!), and got my butt to church more. I also had Noonday going on too. All of these things and the support of my mom and aunt is what kept me sane in a time where it would've been perfectly acceptable to go a little crazy. 

Every time I see this I cant help but laugh.

I have been unsure if I wanted to get this personal with the outside world. Marriage is always a tough one to let everyone in to see. It's complex and layered and has more issues than you can write about in one little blog. I do not have all the answers, nor do I know how to save your marriage. But I know what I have learned from this last year and I thought I would share a few things that I think are pretty important that I will carry into my future. 

Anyone that has been married for more than 5 whole minutes knows that marriage is hard, messy and not at all what we thought it was going to be like. Maybe in another blog I will share more in the details of what brought us to this point. But in a jist, 4 kids in 5 years, many moves, college, MBA, career changes, financial struggles, and my husband being diagnosed as bipolar. Left us not in the best place, as you can imagine.   

But there I was, still recovering from having twins, adapting to life with 4 littles, facing a broken marriage and trying to wrap my head around possibly being a single parent, a husband who had been just diagnosed with mental illness (bi-polar), and a mess of financial difficulties.

I felt like life had just sucker-punched me and I was left with the wind knocked out of me. I felt so alone. So discouraged. So overwhelmed. It all felt like too much. I remember saying that a lot, “this is just too much.” 

I felt so unseen by God.

But as my world came crumbling down, God began to start to build a new one. I didn't see it right away of course. But looking back, I see the foundation that he built. The people he sent into my life, even down to my therapist, whose life could relate to mine like no other therapist's could have. I built friendships with real women in my life. Ones who were honest and had a heart for God, but who were still genuine and funny, of course (that's a pre-requisite!!).

I started remembering who I was and who I wanted to be. Old dreams became new dreams and a fire for life was lit inside of me. My relationship with God began to grow and felt like he was there with me, leading me. Even though I wasn't sure where we were headed, I knew it was better then where I had been. Even though I wasn't sure what direction my marriage was going, I had a hope for my future whichever way it would go.

I found my confidence in God and not in my marriage, not in Zak. In doing so, it seems he took my sad, broken story and gave me a new one. God is stripping off my insecurities, my self hate, my fear of failing, and rewriting my story the way it should have been all along. My hope and faith are in him, whom shall I fear?

I just love this, and its on my Etsy list.

I enrolled in school, started a blog, started stepping out in faith and doing the things that have always scared me. I have dreams for life that the old me would've been too scared to dream, and I know he is just getting started.  

So in case you are out there feeling hopeless and alone, and not sure what to do next, I will share with you what I think saved me. 

• The best advice that I heard from my mom, therapist, and close friends was, “do not make a decisions about your marriage when you are in crisis” (and by the way, I never condone staying if any kind of abuse is occurring, that is never okay!!!). This advice was hard to hear when all I wanted to do was cut and run. I was tired of the hurt and I just wanted it to be over. I did not think my heart could change, I thought I was wasting time by waiting by staying. It was self-preservation at its finest. But I listened to this advice and took it one day at a time, and am so glad I did. Over time and consistent change in our marriage, my heart has changed, much to my amazement, and I have more hope for our marriage then I have ever had before. 

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• Life with littles is a self-sacrificing time - the needs to meet are great, and its for a season. But I think I needed to be reminded of who I am. Who God created me to be outside my mother and wife role. I had lost it a long the way. Having twins sent me right over the edge of no return. So I am so thankful for this last year and what it brought. Through this dark season, so much light came out of it. I am starting to get it now - sometimes he has to knock down the walls, sometimes he has to let us break because then he can rebuild the walls his way, the right way so we can walk into the purpose he has for our lives. He had to break my marriage and build it on a new foundation, one where medicine is involved. I joke, but in all seriousness, it has been part of what has given us a new beginning. Zak has never been happier and finally feels like himself. I can't imagine going through life never ever feeling right in your own skin. I think in the future, I will have Zak share more on his side and living with this for so long.
• Go to therapy. This was huge for me and I truly believe we could all benefit from a little counseling now and then. Zak and I have yet to go together, that will be our next step. But for now we go separately. That alone has helped us so much. It may take a few times to find the right therapist, don't give up. Call your church and ask them to recommend someone, or ask a friend. You'll probably be surprised that more of your friends are in therapy then you thought. I was. My dream would be for churches to hire therapists who work at the church and are available for those who can't afford it. It needs to be available to everyone. The stigma that surrounds therapy needs to stop. It really is there to help you work through things and live your best life. Who doesn't want that? I am starting to think that it is not the weak who go to therapy but the brave. It takes gumption to deal with those dusty corners you have left untouched, to make changes to behavior takes courage.  Take the step and just try it. 
• Pray for good friends. Reach out to your friends and make time for the relationships that matter. They make life so fun and help you laugh among your tears and encourage us in new adventures.
• Dream. Dreaming is important. Let yourself dream. Ask God to give you dreams for your life and see where it takes you. My new fav quote - “Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible” -Dr. Linda Brodsky
• The theme of my life this last year is actually The MOPS theme, to “be you bravely”. I felt like this is something God has had me working on for a long time. To love and accept myself, to not limit and put down the way he created me. To stop worrying about what others think, and to run my own race. To just the best me I can. 

Hear I am nearly a year later from when my life felt like it was taking a nose dive and the future seemed bleak. I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving in my heart. I am loving life. I am so thankful for the amazing people God has put in my life. I am thankful for the things I get to do and be apart of. I am so very thankful for the family I have been given and the new start Zak and I have embarked on. We are more united then ever before and fighting like hell for our family and each other.  I am so thankful I waited during what felt like would be a forever winter and now we are here and Spring has sprung. There are still hard days and my heart likes to tell me “I told ya so,” but those are only moments and I try and keep my eyes on the big picture. I am listening less and less to that negative voice and claiming as my Pastor says the best is yet to come! 

Yes. No? Maybe So..

A few months ago I found myself exasperated over people being so non-committal to things in life. We live in a world that is run by technology; with less and less actual in-person communication. It seems too easy not to show up to things anymore - to not make time for the people in our lives.

Being an ambassador for Noonday, we partner with women and host shows. My heart breaks when I see hostesses get so excited to have a girls’ night with her friends and only a few actually show. She will still have a great show, but you can see the disappointment in her face. As much as she loves Noonday, this was also about a reason to get together with the ones she holds dear and connect. I get that life gets busy and maybe you can’t now. But let’s talk with each other and be honest and open. When did our yes start meaning “Maybe?” When did it start meaning “Only if I have time?”

I started to have an inner rant about this topic. This led to an outer rant that I forced my husband to listen to - I have many words, he becomes subjected to a great many of them. He for one is thankful I started a blog, a “good outlet” he calls it which is translation for “he gets to hear less of my words.” But as I went on in my rant and as I thought that I am so not like this, I would never do this…This was when ever so gently I felt God whisper to me “what about that book you promised your friend you would mail?” 

Oh ya, I’ve had it sitting right on the counter for about two weeks. I know she would love this book. I had good intentions but had not followed through.

“What about that coffee date you forgot to set up?”

“What about that book you promised Liam you were going to start?”

“What wedding you were invited to, you didn't even rsvp.”

And they kept on coming. I was quickly knocked off my high horse. Some were recent and some were from years ago. Most were unintentional. I am very forgetful and have to write everything down. But in reality that’s just an excuse, and in reality I’m still guilty of not keeping my word.  

I realized I’m not living at all the way I had thought I was. I was lacking follow-through in many areas and this is not who I want to be. This is not the representation of Christ I want to be. I had good intentions, really I did, but I let a busy life be an excuse to not keep my word. 

I felt embarrassed, but motivated to do something about it. 

So I decided to do a little experiment and actually follow-through with what I said I was going to do. Sounds simple and easy, doesn't it? 

I thought so too. But it was more complex. It had me examine areas of my life and taught me few lessons too.  My very first order of business was to mail my friend her book ASAP, and apologize for its tardiness. Going to the post office with a bunch of kids isn't ideal, but it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be. And ya know what? She loved that book and that made me so happy! 

If you haven't read this book, read it. 

My first real “test” so to speak was when a friend of mine was throwing a Harvest Party. I told her I would come early and help set up because her husband was out of town for business and she would need the extra help. Right on schedule, my children ended up sick and there was no way I was going to be able to bring them. As I was about to cancel and tell her I would not be there, I had that convicting feeling. 

I wanted to let my yes be yes. 

Now I get that life happens and kids get sick and there are times that there is nothing left to do but cancel. But I also think there are situations where we can figure out a way to make it work. I decided that I was going to go for at least an hour or so and help set up. My husband had to work that night and he was able to go in a little later for me. Fortunately this time, I was able to work it out. I showed up and helped with a few minor details. I know that I was not a huge help, but we had fun as we set up and gabbed about life on this beautiful harvest night before she was mobbed with little kids, neighbors, and friends. 

It felt good to show up, to be counted on. She gushed on how I helped her so much, (what can I say good friends lie). However, I do think she felt better. When you’re facing anything in your life, big or small, it’s always nice to face it with a friend by your side. 

I could go on and on with examples that happened in the weeks to followed. But who will stick around for that so here a few things I learned:

• I realized that when I kept my yes, good things usually happened. I may have not felt like going or the day may have been crazy and staying home would have been so much easier. But when we stop and make time for the people or causes in life, you give room for good things to happen. You meet new people, you learn something new, and friendships grow. We have to make time to keep investing in the friendships and the causes that we believe in.
• I learned not to over-commit so much. Because there was no excuse to back out of it if I said I was coming (unless, of course, there is an extreme emergency or a horrible ice storm – it’s MN and this is my line in the sand, people). If I had more then 2-3 things that week, I started saying no.  Or if I had a few days that were filled with back to back commitments, I made sure I had a few days after to recover. I am an introvert, I am outgoing, social and love people. But I need my quiet alone time to recharge. Saying “No” was so freeing to do. I get in that trap of over booking because I do not want to hurt feelings and I want to be able to do it all. I want to be easygoing and flexible. But I’m married with 4 kids, jobs galore, college, school, homework, nothing in my life is flexible. “No” felt good. And it’s honest. I can’t make everyone happy, and sometimes I can’t go. I have to disappoint others to keep my sanity and that’s ok. I sometimes suffer from the fear of missing out on things and that also causes me to overbook, but that fear leads me to my next point.
• I also started seeing where my priorities were; asking myself the question, “Do I really want to be going to this?” Is this where my energy and time is best served? Should I be a part of this? These questions actually helped Zak and I make some changes in our lives. There were some things that were not a right fit for us and taking up too much time away from each other and our kids. We needed to take a step back and reevaluate where our time was best spent, and where we should be. We have been working on creating a family mission statement for our family (idea from Rhinestone Jesus) we do not have it hung up yet (I need some pallet boards to create this… so if anyone needs some taken off your hands, let me know). But I love having a mission statement. If things in our life are starting pull us away from our goals for our family, then it is time to pause and pray about it, to evaluate it before we go forward. It’s too easy to get swept in on the business of life. Before we know it, we have forgotten about the things that are truly important to us. 
• Zak and I also started looking at our calendar and planning in advance and marking off "family only" nights. A few nights where where we are not allowed to schedule anything, where we are intentional about spending time as a family. We usually let the older boys stay up later and play a board game, or watch a new movie. 

Growing up, I went to a small private school - where it felt more like family than classmates and teachers. One of the dearest people in my life was my 3^rd grade teacher. Her name was Mrs. Heikes. All through high school, I would find myself in her room after school just talking about life. In the third grade, I would talk so much to my classmates that she would then move my desk next to hers. Soon enough, I would get her talking too and when she realized it she would just laugh. 

She was a wonderful teacher. But what she really taught me was never found in a book. She taught me about life and always had a story either to prove her point or make you laugh. She had the best laugh.  In. The. World. It was a robust laugh with a little snort at the end. She always gave it to you straight. She didn't play any games. She wasn't passive. She was a Yes/No person. There was no “maybe-so” with her. She is in heaven now. I miss her everyday and wish I could still drive over to her house and sit and chat with for hours. 

One of the stories she told me still comes to me every so often. One of her former students had invited her to a graduation party. She barely remembered the student. She even thought that she remembered the student disliking her. So she was baffled at the invite. But she decided to go. And when she arrived, this teenager was ecstatic over her being there. They went on about how Mrs. Heikes had made such an impact on their life and how it had made their day that she had come.  Mrs. Heikes had no clue. She told me with a chuckle how glad she was she decided to go. She said from that moment forward when invited to something like that, she always made a point to go.

Because you never know what it might mean to that person. 

Many years later on my wedding day, Mrs. Heikes was there. We laughed and hugged and had many pictures taken together. I was so happy that she was there to share in my special day. It would not have been the same without her. I used to see my name on her prayer list next to her Bible. I wanted the woman who prayed for me to be there on my special day. I am more normal then I should be because of people like her. 

About a month later, I found out that the very day of my wedding she and her amazing husband Chuck had received the news that she had terminal pancreatic cancer and had only had a short time to live. She had the best excuse to not make it to my wedding that day. I would've understood. But she lived out what she believed. She came to my wedding and she did it with a huge smile on her face. 

Showing up matters. It’s a gift to others at times. It requires sacrifice on our part. But so much good can come out of it. 

Mrs. Heikes and Chuck

Best. Laugh. Ever.

I still struggle with follow-through, with keeping my yes’s. This past January, I forgot to RSVP to two child birthday parties. And I have a baby gift that I have been meaning to run over to my neighbor since December. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. I know I am a forgetful person. I have not shown up in the past. I have let people down. But I forgive myself. I need grace for myself and for others too. I do believe that once we know better, that we can do better.  I want my friends to be able to count on me, to say that Gina shows up. I want my kids to know that when Mommy says “No,” it’s No. And when she says “Yes,” she always comes through. I want to boldly RSVP and keep my word. And if I know I can’t make it, than be honest and just say no. I want to walk the talk that I believe, and live better. 

Our lives will always be busy. We will have different seasons that require more of us. But through it all, let’s keep our word, whether Yes or No. 

No more Maybe So.