Limbo: Somewhere between here and there, not quite in heaven
but not in hell either.
This definition pretty much sums up my 37th year
of life on this planet. A year of much limbo in so many areas of my life. Health,
relationships, jobs, homes. So much seemed to be unknown. There has been a
whole lot of waiting in this season. It has required a great deal of patience
and trust. Like anyone, I have good and bad days. The key I find is not to let
the bad days or moments carry on and not to let them have too much sway over
your emotions and thoughts.
Sometimes you just need to feel it and release the emotions.
These are also the days I dig deeper in the word, listen to worship music, or
lean on a friend. Sometimes I want to ignore them and keep myself crazy busy or
binge watch Netflix. I have since broken up with Netflix.
There are days when I’d do anything to mask what we’re
facing or going through. Sometimes it’s okay, but eventually you have to deal
with the feelings, the reality, and make a choice. I hate limbo. I hate the waiting. I
want to have it all figured out. I think we all do.
But it’s in the
waiting where we develop what we need for the next chapter ahead.
In the waiting we find a new sense of what thankfulness is. It’s
in the waiting where we discover who we are and what we are made of. It’s in
the waiting that we discover who is with us.
We always have some area of our lives in a state of limbo. I
have somehow managed to do many of them this year. However, currently (as in
the last few weeks) my state of limbo is moving. My new room is under construction and I am
living out of boxes. I am in school for
all the things, my undergrad and real estate school, and studying to reinstate my good ole cosmetology license. I
am dusting off that hat and getting ready to hustle. I am waiting for the old
house to be sold and fully moved in to the new house. I am in the season of the doing, of preparing, I am neither
here nor there.
I am also in the process of growing out my hair and any girl
knows that the season of hair limbo is closer to the hell side…
This year has been tough for sure. But I serve a God who is
constantly working for my good. I know he has a bigger plan at play and he is
doing things in this season that I can’t even fathom. I have already started to
see some of the pieces starting to fit together. I felt his goodness and
kindness so many times through this last year. I have realized in this season that I am
stronger than I thought. I can do the hard things.
In tough times, you figure out who is really there for you.
I feel so blessed to have some pretty amazing family and friends in my life.
They have rallied behind me and been a huge source of joy and comfort. In the
valleys you come to realize who your real friends are, the ones who show up
when it’s not pretty. The ones who clean your toilets, help you move are your
friends for life. Truth.
It was surprising and honestly a little hurtful to see who
the ones were that just wanted to know the dirt, or to offer their advice, or
the ones you realized used and lied to you and then never spoke to you again. Ouch
right?!
Even though that was painful, I am thankful for it. No
really, totally thankful. The ones who love you no matter what, who have the
courage to say the hard things, to talk about it for the millionth time, to
show up even when it’s not convenient. Who gently go beside you, encourage you
and tell you when it’s time to stop watching Netflix (kidding a little bit)and
face life…These are your people and tribe. These are the people who you want to invest into, to do life with.
Also, hard seasons give you good material for the rest of
your life. Because if you can’t laugh at it or through it, I think you will
find life is harder. Find friends who can help you do this. I firmly believe we
need to laugh, especially at ourselves. Sometimes I feel you can’t make up the
things in my life, so I choose to find the humor in it all. Laughter through tears is truly the best medicine.
In the waiting, old dreams may die but new dreams will be
given life too. I find myself with a new courage that I didn’t have before. Maybe
because I have to, but also because I want to. I want to show my kids how to
live brave. I want to show them to try even if you fail, to keep picking
yourself up, to fight for your dreams, and to have fun along the way. I am
excited to see what God is preparing up ahead, because I know he is good and
has good things for our life. I want to show my kids this attitude, to praise
God through out every season, every storm.
I love the story in the Bible in 2 Kings 7:3-4 where there
are 4 men with leprosy sitting outside the city and they say “why stay here? If
we go into the city where the famine is we die and if we stay we die. Let’s go
into the camp of the Arameans (enemies) and surrender. If they spare us, we
live, if they kill us, then we die.” They go and it says the Lord goes ahead of
them and works a miracle and has these 4
men sound like an army to the Arameans. The Arameans are terrified and left everything behind and ran away. How awesome is that?! I love the attitude of
these guys, what did they have to loose?
This story never gets old to me, it always challenges me to
just try - to just keep going, to do my part, and let God do the rest. Hope is not a strategy, it’s action.
It’s lived out with each step we take. Every morning, we wake up and try again.
No matter how many times we feel delayed and in limbo, we make a choice to keep
going. I may be in my mid-40s by the time I finish my undergrad and graduate
school. But it’s my dream.
I know people think I am cray- cray for all the things going
on in my life. But I am moving, I am taking action. I have a list of other
things I want to do, and for my family. Some dreams may be silly to
someone else but that’s what makes us all unique. I want to live this one life
to my fullest potential. In the past, at moments the fear of failing has kept
me from trying things I wanted to do. I had a fear of someone not liking my
work, or worse just not liking me. Maybe it comes with age…because as I near 38,
I am caring a lot less about that stuff. I like me. I care less if I fail, or if I
need it explained again, or if something is not just for me. Not everything or every one is for you. I am not sure what
cool is, but I am not it, nor am I aspiring to be it. #nerdsunite
No one is saying you have to be the best at what you want to
try. No one is saying you have to be the most successful at your career. It’s
like we tell our kids - it’s not about being the best, it’s about giving it
your all…try your best, don’t give up, if you love it and it’s your dream -- Then go for it!
Not every thing you want to do has to be some big thing. Smart small, I am all about baby steps. So to encourage you, let me tell you one of my next small things
-- I really want to take some of the dance classes my gym offers. Friends…lets be real here. In no
way am I a dancer. I am 6ft tall and went to private school growing up. We had
no dances except for the one we threw ourselves our sr. year, Footloose style
in our friend’s shed in the country. I am awkward. I am so very far from the ground.
I move slower than everyone. I usually avoid any classes that have too much rhythmic
movements. As I walk by them, though, they always look like so much fun, and I would
love to be a bit better at dancing. I will take any improvement. So, my small
step will be showing up to one of these bad boys and no matter what, I will
have tried and I am sure it will at least provide good comic relief. I know I
won’t be the best, obviously, but if we only do the things we know we are good at in life,
think about how much we would miss out on?
Maybe you’re also in a place of limbo. Life has thrown you a
few curve balls. Your life isn’t going according to your plan (see what I did
there…). I encourage you to take this season of waiting to prepare for your
next chapter. Keep dreaming, keep trying, have fun, stay close to God. He has
good things for you, take the first step and go.
