Marriage. A forever winter?

 There are some days that I just want to escape. Not forever of course, but maybe a short stay in a cute B&B next to the ocean somewhere. Doesn't that sound magical? I just want to be alone. I want to hear the quiet - no music, no TV. Just  the sound of the ocean and a good book in my hand. I love my family and I have been actually trying to be home a little bit more than usual. I am a stay at home mom you say, aren't you home all the time? Monday through Friday, until Zak walks in the door, I am here with the kiddos.

We haven't been home all together as a family as much this last year. It was just one of those seasons. We had 2nd jobs and activities galore. We have been parenting in shifts, which is hard on everyone. Sure, we schedule family time, but we need to find our family's rhythm again, a new one,  and be home together more. 

A lot of this is due to about a year ago, my life fell apart, or at least I thought it did. Even just months ago, I wasn't sure that my marriage was going to make it. When all of this was first happening, I realized that I needed to get out of the house more. I needed time and quiet to think through my thoughts and feelings. This was nearly impossible when I was at home knee-deep in little twins, and busy 4 and 6 year olds. I began by making more time for friends, got myself signed up for therapy (about time, I say!), and got my butt to church more. I also had Noonday going on too. All of these things and the support of my mom and aunt is what kept me sane in a time where it would've been perfectly acceptable to go a little crazy. 

Every time I see this I cant help but laugh.

I have been unsure if I wanted to get this personal with the outside world. Marriage is always a tough one to let everyone in to see. It's complex and layered and has more issues than you can write about in one little blog. I do not have all the answers, nor do I know how to save your marriage. But I know what I have learned from this last year and I thought I would share a few things that I think are pretty important that I will carry into my future. 

Anyone that has been married for more than 5 whole minutes knows that marriage is hard, messy and not at all what we thought it was going to be like. Maybe in another blog I will share more in the details of what brought us to this point. But in a jist, 4 kids in 5 years, many moves, college, MBA, career changes, financial struggles, and my husband being diagnosed as bipolar. Left us not in the best place, as you can imagine.   

But there I was, still recovering from having twins, adapting to life with 4 littles, facing a broken marriage and trying to wrap my head around possibly being a single parent, a husband who had been just diagnosed with mental illness (bi-polar), and a mess of financial difficulties.

I felt like life had just sucker-punched me and I was left with the wind knocked out of me. I felt so alone. So discouraged. So overwhelmed. It all felt like too much. I remember saying that a lot, “this is just too much.” 

I felt so unseen by God.

But as my world came crumbling down, God began to start to build a new one. I didn't see it right away of course. But looking back, I see the foundation that he built. The people he sent into my life, even down to my therapist, whose life could relate to mine like no other therapist's could have. I built friendships with real women in my life. Ones who were honest and had a heart for God, but who were still genuine and funny, of course (that's a pre-requisite!!).

I started remembering who I was and who I wanted to be. Old dreams became new dreams and a fire for life was lit inside of me. My relationship with God began to grow and felt like he was there with me, leading me. Even though I wasn't sure where we were headed, I knew it was better then where I had been. Even though I wasn't sure what direction my marriage was going, I had a hope for my future whichever way it would go.

I found my confidence in God and not in my marriage, not in Zak. In doing so, it seems he took my sad, broken story and gave me a new one. God is stripping off my insecurities, my self hate, my fear of failing, and rewriting my story the way it should have been all along. My hope and faith are in him, whom shall I fear?

I just love this, and its on my Etsy list.

I enrolled in school, started a blog, started stepping out in faith and doing the things that have always scared me. I have dreams for life that the old me would've been too scared to dream, and I know he is just getting started.  

So in case you are out there feeling hopeless and alone, and not sure what to do next, I will share with you what I think saved me. 

• The best advice that I heard from my mom, therapist, and close friends was, “do not make a decisions about your marriage when you are in crisis” (and by the way, I never condone staying if any kind of abuse is occurring, that is never okay!!!). This advice was hard to hear when all I wanted to do was cut and run. I was tired of the hurt and I just wanted it to be over. I did not think my heart could change, I thought I was wasting time by waiting by staying. It was self-preservation at its finest. But I listened to this advice and took it one day at a time, and am so glad I did. Over time and consistent change in our marriage, my heart has changed, much to my amazement, and I have more hope for our marriage then I have ever had before. 

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• Life with littles is a self-sacrificing time - the needs to meet are great, and its for a season. But I think I needed to be reminded of who I am. Who God created me to be outside my mother and wife role. I had lost it a long the way. Having twins sent me right over the edge of no return. So I am so thankful for this last year and what it brought. Through this dark season, so much light came out of it. I am starting to get it now - sometimes he has to knock down the walls, sometimes he has to let us break because then he can rebuild the walls his way, the right way so we can walk into the purpose he has for our lives. He had to break my marriage and build it on a new foundation, one where medicine is involved. I joke, but in all seriousness, it has been part of what has given us a new beginning. Zak has never been happier and finally feels like himself. I can't imagine going through life never ever feeling right in your own skin. I think in the future, I will have Zak share more on his side and living with this for so long.
• Go to therapy. This was huge for me and I truly believe we could all benefit from a little counseling now and then. Zak and I have yet to go together, that will be our next step. But for now we go separately. That alone has helped us so much. It may take a few times to find the right therapist, don't give up. Call your church and ask them to recommend someone, or ask a friend. You'll probably be surprised that more of your friends are in therapy then you thought. I was. My dream would be for churches to hire therapists who work at the church and are available for those who can't afford it. It needs to be available to everyone. The stigma that surrounds therapy needs to stop. It really is there to help you work through things and live your best life. Who doesn't want that? I am starting to think that it is not the weak who go to therapy but the brave. It takes gumption to deal with those dusty corners you have left untouched, to make changes to behavior takes courage.  Take the step and just try it. 
• Pray for good friends. Reach out to your friends and make time for the relationships that matter. They make life so fun and help you laugh among your tears and encourage us in new adventures.
• Dream. Dreaming is important. Let yourself dream. Ask God to give you dreams for your life and see where it takes you. My new fav quote - “Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible” -Dr. Linda Brodsky
• The theme of my life this last year is actually The MOPS theme, to “be you bravely”. I felt like this is something God has had me working on for a long time. To love and accept myself, to not limit and put down the way he created me. To stop worrying about what others think, and to run my own race. To just the best me I can. 

Hear I am nearly a year later from when my life felt like it was taking a nose dive and the future seemed bleak. I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving in my heart. I am loving life. I am so thankful for the amazing people God has put in my life. I am thankful for the things I get to do and be apart of. I am so very thankful for the family I have been given and the new start Zak and I have embarked on. We are more united then ever before and fighting like hell for our family and each other.  I am so thankful I waited during what felt like would be a forever winter and now we are here and Spring has sprung. There are still hard days and my heart likes to tell me “I told ya so,” but those are only moments and I try and keep my eyes on the big picture. I am listening less and less to that negative voice and claiming as my Pastor says the best is yet to come!