Yes. No? Maybe So..

A few months ago I found myself exasperated over people being so non-committal to things in life. We live in a world that is run by technology; with less and less actual in-person communication. It seems too easy not to show up to things anymore - to not make time for the people in our lives.

Being an ambassador for Noonday, we partner with women and host shows. My heart breaks when I see hostesses get so excited to have a girls’ night with her friends and only a few actually show. She will still have a great show, but you can see the disappointment in her face. As much as she loves Noonday, this was also about a reason to get together with the ones she holds dear and connect. I get that life gets busy and maybe you can’t now. But let’s talk with each other and be honest and open. When did our yes start meaning “Maybe?” When did it start meaning “Only if I have time?”

I started to have an inner rant about this topic. This led to an outer rant that I forced my husband to listen to - I have many words, he becomes subjected to a great many of them. He for one is thankful I started a blog, a “good outlet” he calls it which is translation for “he gets to hear less of my words.” But as I went on in my rant and as I thought that I am so not like this, I would never do this…This was when ever so gently I felt God whisper to me “what about that book you promised your friend you would mail?” 

Oh ya, I’ve had it sitting right on the counter for about two weeks. I know she would love this book. I had good intentions but had not followed through.

“What about that coffee date you forgot to set up?”

“What about that book you promised Liam you were going to start?”

“What wedding you were invited to, you didn't even rsvp.”

And they kept on coming. I was quickly knocked off my high horse. Some were recent and some were from years ago. Most were unintentional. I am very forgetful and have to write everything down. But in reality that’s just an excuse, and in reality I’m still guilty of not keeping my word.  

I realized I’m not living at all the way I had thought I was. I was lacking follow-through in many areas and this is not who I want to be. This is not the representation of Christ I want to be. I had good intentions, really I did, but I let a busy life be an excuse to not keep my word. 

I felt embarrassed, but motivated to do something about it. 

So I decided to do a little experiment and actually follow-through with what I said I was going to do. Sounds simple and easy, doesn't it? 

I thought so too. But it was more complex. It had me examine areas of my life and taught me few lessons too.  My very first order of business was to mail my friend her book ASAP, and apologize for its tardiness. Going to the post office with a bunch of kids isn't ideal, but it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be. And ya know what? She loved that book and that made me so happy! 

If you haven't read this book, read it. 

My first real “test” so to speak was when a friend of mine was throwing a Harvest Party. I told her I would come early and help set up because her husband was out of town for business and she would need the extra help. Right on schedule, my children ended up sick and there was no way I was going to be able to bring them. As I was about to cancel and tell her I would not be there, I had that convicting feeling. 

I wanted to let my yes be yes. 

Now I get that life happens and kids get sick and there are times that there is nothing left to do but cancel. But I also think there are situations where we can figure out a way to make it work. I decided that I was going to go for at least an hour or so and help set up. My husband had to work that night and he was able to go in a little later for me. Fortunately this time, I was able to work it out. I showed up and helped with a few minor details. I know that I was not a huge help, but we had fun as we set up and gabbed about life on this beautiful harvest night before she was mobbed with little kids, neighbors, and friends. 

It felt good to show up, to be counted on. She gushed on how I helped her so much, (what can I say good friends lie). However, I do think she felt better. When you’re facing anything in your life, big or small, it’s always nice to face it with a friend by your side. 

I could go on and on with examples that happened in the weeks to followed. But who will stick around for that so here a few things I learned:

• I realized that when I kept my yes, good things usually happened. I may have not felt like going or the day may have been crazy and staying home would have been so much easier. But when we stop and make time for the people or causes in life, you give room for good things to happen. You meet new people, you learn something new, and friendships grow. We have to make time to keep investing in the friendships and the causes that we believe in.
• I learned not to over-commit so much. Because there was no excuse to back out of it if I said I was coming (unless, of course, there is an extreme emergency or a horrible ice storm – it’s MN and this is my line in the sand, people). If I had more then 2-3 things that week, I started saying no.  Or if I had a few days that were filled with back to back commitments, I made sure I had a few days after to recover. I am an introvert, I am outgoing, social and love people. But I need my quiet alone time to recharge. Saying “No” was so freeing to do. I get in that trap of over booking because I do not want to hurt feelings and I want to be able to do it all. I want to be easygoing and flexible. But I’m married with 4 kids, jobs galore, college, school, homework, nothing in my life is flexible. “No” felt good. And it’s honest. I can’t make everyone happy, and sometimes I can’t go. I have to disappoint others to keep my sanity and that’s ok. I sometimes suffer from the fear of missing out on things and that also causes me to overbook, but that fear leads me to my next point.
• I also started seeing where my priorities were; asking myself the question, “Do I really want to be going to this?” Is this where my energy and time is best served? Should I be a part of this? These questions actually helped Zak and I make some changes in our lives. There were some things that were not a right fit for us and taking up too much time away from each other and our kids. We needed to take a step back and reevaluate where our time was best spent, and where we should be. We have been working on creating a family mission statement for our family (idea from Rhinestone Jesus) we do not have it hung up yet (I need some pallet boards to create this… so if anyone needs some taken off your hands, let me know). But I love having a mission statement. If things in our life are starting pull us away from our goals for our family, then it is time to pause and pray about it, to evaluate it before we go forward. It’s too easy to get swept in on the business of life. Before we know it, we have forgotten about the things that are truly important to us. 
• Zak and I also started looking at our calendar and planning in advance and marking off "family only" nights. A few nights where where we are not allowed to schedule anything, where we are intentional about spending time as a family. We usually let the older boys stay up later and play a board game, or watch a new movie. 

Growing up, I went to a small private school - where it felt more like family than classmates and teachers. One of the dearest people in my life was my 3^rd grade teacher. Her name was Mrs. Heikes. All through high school, I would find myself in her room after school just talking about life. In the third grade, I would talk so much to my classmates that she would then move my desk next to hers. Soon enough, I would get her talking too and when she realized it she would just laugh. 

She was a wonderful teacher. But what she really taught me was never found in a book. She taught me about life and always had a story either to prove her point or make you laugh. She had the best laugh.  In. The. World. It was a robust laugh with a little snort at the end. She always gave it to you straight. She didn't play any games. She wasn't passive. She was a Yes/No person. There was no “maybe-so” with her. She is in heaven now. I miss her everyday and wish I could still drive over to her house and sit and chat with for hours. 

One of the stories she told me still comes to me every so often. One of her former students had invited her to a graduation party. She barely remembered the student. She even thought that she remembered the student disliking her. So she was baffled at the invite. But she decided to go. And when she arrived, this teenager was ecstatic over her being there. They went on about how Mrs. Heikes had made such an impact on their life and how it had made their day that she had come.  Mrs. Heikes had no clue. She told me with a chuckle how glad she was she decided to go. She said from that moment forward when invited to something like that, she always made a point to go.

Because you never know what it might mean to that person. 

Many years later on my wedding day, Mrs. Heikes was there. We laughed and hugged and had many pictures taken together. I was so happy that she was there to share in my special day. It would not have been the same without her. I used to see my name on her prayer list next to her Bible. I wanted the woman who prayed for me to be there on my special day. I am more normal then I should be because of people like her. 

About a month later, I found out that the very day of my wedding she and her amazing husband Chuck had received the news that she had terminal pancreatic cancer and had only had a short time to live. She had the best excuse to not make it to my wedding that day. I would've understood. But she lived out what she believed. She came to my wedding and she did it with a huge smile on her face. 

Showing up matters. It’s a gift to others at times. It requires sacrifice on our part. But so much good can come out of it. 

Mrs. Heikes and Chuck

Best. Laugh. Ever.

I still struggle with follow-through, with keeping my yes’s. This past January, I forgot to RSVP to two child birthday parties. And I have a baby gift that I have been meaning to run over to my neighbor since December. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. I know I am a forgetful person. I have not shown up in the past. I have let people down. But I forgive myself. I need grace for myself and for others too. I do believe that once we know better, that we can do better.  I want my friends to be able to count on me, to say that Gina shows up. I want my kids to know that when Mommy says “No,” it’s No. And when she says “Yes,” she always comes through. I want to boldly RSVP and keep my word. And if I know I can’t make it, than be honest and just say no. I want to walk the talk that I believe, and live better. 

Our lives will always be busy. We will have different seasons that require more of us. But through it all, let’s keep our word, whether Yes or No. 

No more Maybe So.