Christmas Reflections

I'll admit - after the holiday season officially began, I had a hard time getting into the groove of Christmas.  I think it's partly because this year I started with a bad attitude. This year, like other years, was a slim year for us financially. I found myself a bit bitter that another year goes by and Zak and I couldn't exchange gifts.I also couldn't buy what I would like for friends and family. I was getting caught up in exactly what we shouldn't.

The second reason was that I was just too darn tired to be over the moon about Christmas. One year old twins will do that, I suppose. On top of that, Zak had a job change and some child has been sick since before Thanksgiving. I can now list on my resume that I'm an expert in the containing and cleaning of vomit. Or I should say this is Zak’s area of expertise. I usually can't get through clean-up without gagging the entire time. Be jealous. We didn't even do lights out side. 

To fight my lack of Christmas cheer and being aware of my ill attitude, I decided to do something about it. The boys and I sat down and listed 25 acts of kindness we could do during the month of December. I came across this idea last year. But being knee-deep in 3 month old twins, I just couldn't add one more thing in my life. Seasons, people. This year I had no excuse. I've always wanted to make this season a time where we focus on others and on giving - show them how much more joyous it is to give than to receive.

Now husband, do not think you're off the hook for future Christmases - you aren't!

But honestly - as fun as the presents are, It can become too much. Our focus gets blurry and we end up with an entitled heart and high expectations.  It's empty and I know in my heart it isn't Christmas.

We tried to come up with ideas that were not just our money, but our time and talent too. There are some beautiful advent calendars that you can make and I LOVE the "kindness elves" idea. But frankly, I didn't have time for that. And I admit that I'm not all that crafty. So I let the kids make a tree out of construction paper. Every time we did one of acts of kindness, we made an ornament and they placed it on the tree.

Pinterest has nothing on me...

However, we may have been just a BIT ambitious with listing 25 acts to do,  We did 12. I should have called it the "12 Days of Giving" in retrospect. But with these 12, we tried to make them count. For me, it touched my heart to remember those all around us. All of our little acts of kindness may seem so small, but they might mean so much to those that typically go unseen or uncared for. It changed me as we let them know we see you, you matter, you're appreciated.  

So perhaps in the end, I did find some Christmas spirit. It didn't come in shiny packages, or expensive presents. I found that my heart softened. I started seeing the beauty all around me, even without snow. I broke out my old Christmas records. Amy Grant first, of course. I decorated cookies with the boys. 

Amy Grant 4ever.

Just being together was and is enough. 

This Christmas was more meaningful for me. It focused on love and on giving to others. Along the way, we made some amazing memories as a family. I will never forget the old man that prayed for us after we were done caroling at the nursing home (I had to fight back tears) or the look on Liam’s face while we were at Feed my Starving Children and he asked me why the kids were so thin and why there wasn't enough food for them. Also I will never forget Liam, after ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, leaning out the car window and throwing up everywhere. Some of it actually made it out the window. Hey, they can't all be magical memories... 

As I enter 2015, I pray my eyes continue to be open to those who are all around me throughout the year, not just at Christmas. To take the time to notice the unseen, the hurting, the brokenhearted. To slow down, to let myself be inconvienced, to show love when it is hard. And when I hear God's voice tug at my heart to see, I pray that I will be obedient.  

Let's love one another well in 2015. Let's use our time, talent and $$ to bless others. I have a sneaking suspicion that these will be sweeter and more beautiful moments for you. Whatever or whoever has been tugging on your heart, give in. You will never know what can happen because of one small yes.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

To blog or not to blog? That's been the question lately. 

So many of my close friends and family keep encouraging me to write one. I have funny stories, they say. It's true that my family of 6 does make for some good material. Two boys, 6 and 4 with more personality then they need. And 14 month old boy/girl twins do make for an interesting dynamic. Throw in our 2 needy animals as well. I usually refer to us as the family circus. I feel like there's more than just funny stories to share. Life's been an interesting journey for us and has not gone according to plan. 

NOT. AT. ALL. 

I'm slowly learning that that's where the adventure lies. That's where the lessons are learned and eyes are opened. During struggle is where empathy for others is created. It's where humility lives and where pride dies. Truly loving others well actually can happen. It is where we stop judging and we just see people and their hearts just like Jesus does. 

I know this because people have been Jesus to me in our lowest moments. Honestly starting a blog terrifies me; to let people in and judge my life. I'm so far from having it figured out. I feel I'm the last person that should; my life is a bit of a mess lately. I say to myself - I'm just a stay at home mom. I like to write, but as any of my friends know, sentence structure and spelling are not my strong suit. Growing up, I was told more than once that I wasn't smart enough to attend college. 

Excuses.

I feel I have dragged my feet and argued with God for a while about this. But it keeps coming back to just do it, do it scared. He has been taking me out of my comfort zone the last year - including becoming a Noonday Ambassador and lobbying in DC on behalf of IJM's human trafficking efforts. Two things that I would have never done years ago. For some, blogging would be no big deal, but for me it's a HUGE deal. Again, fear holding me back - fear of rejection, fear of looking uneducated, etc. 

And ya know what? I'm so tired of fear being my companion and being the voice that I listen to. 

If I feel it's from God and my motives are true, then I'm doing it whether it's a bust or not. Even if this blog is a total disaster, I bet God will teach me something. Maybe one person reads it and they love it or helps them feel a little less alone in the world. In the words of Martina Mcbride, “you can spend your whole life building something from nothing one storm can come and blow it all away..build it any way ..you can chase a dream that seems so out of reach..and you know it might not ever come your way...dream it anyway.” 

Life happens in the journey, in the dreaming, in the showing up and giving it your best. 

I am trying to say yes to God for the first time in my life, even in areas which seems small but are big for me. It has taken me 34 years to finally come to a place of total surrender - to say “your will not mine.” Let me tell you, the first time I truly prayed that I was journaling. I wrote, “my will be done, not yours.” Seriously...Freudian slip or what?! I've always been so afraid that if I prayed that prayer, something horrible would happen. But that's a lie. I'm holding onto Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you...they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

So "to blog," I suppose.....