To Blog or Not to Blog?

To blog or not to blog? That's been the question lately. 

So many of my close friends and family keep encouraging me to write one. I have funny stories, they say. It's true that my family of 6 does make for some good material. Two boys, 6 and 4 with more personality then they need. And 14 month old boy/girl twins do make for an interesting dynamic. Throw in our 2 needy animals as well. I usually refer to us as the family circus. I feel like there's more than just funny stories to share. Life's been an interesting journey for us and has not gone according to plan. 

NOT. AT. ALL. 

I'm slowly learning that that's where the adventure lies. That's where the lessons are learned and eyes are opened. During struggle is where empathy for others is created. It's where humility lives and where pride dies. Truly loving others well actually can happen. It is where we stop judging and we just see people and their hearts just like Jesus does. 

I know this because people have been Jesus to me in our lowest moments. Honestly starting a blog terrifies me; to let people in and judge my life. I'm so far from having it figured out. I feel I'm the last person that should; my life is a bit of a mess lately. I say to myself - I'm just a stay at home mom. I like to write, but as any of my friends know, sentence structure and spelling are not my strong suit. Growing up, I was told more than once that I wasn't smart enough to attend college. 

Excuses.

I feel I have dragged my feet and argued with God for a while about this. But it keeps coming back to just do it, do it scared. He has been taking me out of my comfort zone the last year - including becoming a Noonday Ambassador and lobbying in DC on behalf of IJM's human trafficking efforts. Two things that I would have never done years ago. For some, blogging would be no big deal, but for me it's a HUGE deal. Again, fear holding me back - fear of rejection, fear of looking uneducated, etc. 

And ya know what? I'm so tired of fear being my companion and being the voice that I listen to. 

If I feel it's from God and my motives are true, then I'm doing it whether it's a bust or not. Even if this blog is a total disaster, I bet God will teach me something. Maybe one person reads it and they love it or helps them feel a little less alone in the world. In the words of Martina Mcbride, “you can spend your whole life building something from nothing one storm can come and blow it all away..build it any way ..you can chase a dream that seems so out of reach..and you know it might not ever come your way...dream it anyway.” 

Life happens in the journey, in the dreaming, in the showing up and giving it your best. 

I am trying to say yes to God for the first time in my life, even in areas which seems small but are big for me. It has taken me 34 years to finally come to a place of total surrender - to say “your will not mine.” Let me tell you, the first time I truly prayed that I was journaling. I wrote, “my will be done, not yours.” Seriously...Freudian slip or what?! I've always been so afraid that if I prayed that prayer, something horrible would happen. But that's a lie. I'm holding onto Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you...they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

So "to blog," I suppose.....