The wind has changed...

The wind has changed.  It feels as if it was one sudden moment and everything I knew is not what it was… Yet, it has probably slowly been changing direction for a while, I just didn’t feel it this time.

It is amazing in how a moment our life can drastically change, a phone call, a diagnosis. Usually nothing we ever want to occur in our life. I sometimes laugh at the title of my blog: “Life not according to plan”. It may not go as planned, most likely will not, but here is where the choice is. I think this is where a little of the magic of life lies. It is what we do when our life does not go to plan, because sometimes our plans are not what is best. Sometimes our plans our hurting us more then we think. Sometimes our plans our keeping us from what God has intended for our lives. Sometimes bad things just happen. We live in a broken world.

In one week, so many things came to light. Some health stuff I’ve been walking through for a while and a personal issue. Its felt like a lot for one week. That is sometimes how it happens.   The old me would’ve been in a ball on my bed, asking “Why God? Why me?”.  This me, gets that bad things happen sometimes. I still don’t like it, I can wine about life not being fair, but what good will that really do? The weekend that followed the heavy week, I had a women’s conference I was attending with a bunch of my friends. It was an amazing two days that I so needed!!  I just felt so loved that first night, it was God’s little grace to me.  It was him reminding me I am not alone, and I’m loved, a daughter.  If you knew my past, you would know that I have really struggled with that one, daughter.  Here I am at the ripe old age of 37, I am finally starting to accept His love. I am starting to get it, and when that happens, that’s when things start changing. That is when you stop believing the lies you have been told, we all have them. I have been told a handful, mainly two I have heard since I was young.  However no more!  I choose not to believe them any longer!  It’s my choice!  They still come, but now I fight back, and they don’t stay nearly as long.  

On my drive home from this conference, I was praying and thinking, and I said, “God I know this isn’t your fault, I know you didn’t cause this, but can I ask why?” Why would you rebuild so much only to be here again? And then I heard him say to me, “I’ve been rebuilding you.” I was instantly flooded with peace that night. A night where normally I would’ve let fear take over. I slept that night!  Like actually slept through the night!  This had not been my norm for a while, but it has been since then. With the exception of this night, where a dream woke me up and I decided to write this down instead of tossing and turning.

Even my dream was kind of odd yet awesome and does relate to this topic. I was walking out of a store and I was being followed by this man. I was scared and saw this old woman and asked if I could walk with her. I took her arm and we walked a little way and then out of nowhere, two or three men came out at us.  The first one punched me in the chest so hard, that it knocked the wind out of me!  As they were hitting us both, the old woman looked at me and said, “why are we allowing this, we can fight back!”  Then I began to fight, and I poked them in the eyes and started to hit back. Then it was over and I walked the old lady to her car and I left. I know a little odd, but it was one of those that felt so real to me.

How much do we allow in our lives? How much do we settle and not fight for our life? I feel like everywhere lately the phrase “Rise up”, in music, in books, in different speaking messages I hear, in conversations I have with friends. It’s not just for me but for you too. Maybe you are going through a winter season and you have had enough. Rise up!

The Bible talks a lot about not worrying about the future, about not thinking of tomorrow, and for the first time in my life, I am not going to, nor will I wallow about the past. I am going to focus on just today. What can I do today? How can I live today? Break it down more if you have to. This hour, what can you do in this hour?   Glennon Doyle says, “focus on the next right thing”.  Yes, keep it simple and let us not get so far ahead of ourselves.

In crisis, we find ourselves living this way, but this is the way we should be living anyways. I am not going to fear the change in wind, the beginning of a new season. Instead of labelling it a bad season, I am going to give it to God, my worrying can’t fix one thing. He can use this season for good! He brings restoration, He is my healer.  He can put it back together better then I could’ve dreamed. But I can’t just sit back and do nothing.  I have to move too.  I am going to look at this season as a season where I am going to “Rise up”. To be more bold then I have ever before, take chances, and dream big dreams!  I know there will be hard moments, there will be times the tears come and bring me to my knees, but I won’t stay there. For example, last week I was attempting to bake and my mixer was not working and I lost it. It went from my mixer is broken to everything is broken. Just a wee bit of the drama. Waves of emotion are normal, and will arise at unexpected moments.  However, I don’t stay there, I have the choice to rise up. I can because of Him.

There is something so freeing when you surrender it all, something freeing when you start to do things you’ve wanted to but just didn’t think you could, or should. There is freedom in just going for it! There is freedom in just being who God created you to be. Nothing less, nothing more.

So lets focus on today, the next right thing and before your feet hit the floor tell yourself to “Rise Up”. When fear and doubt start flooding your thoughts, tell Him “I trust you” peace will follow. The theme at our women’s conference was Flourish.  Pretty appropriate at this moment in life. We were made to Flourish, to live free, to be who we were created to be.

Let’s rise up and flourish together!

"For we walk by faith, not by sight." (2nd Corinthians 5:7)

"For the Lord is the spirit and wherever the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2nd Corinthians 3:17) 

More Love

After a day of still trying to wrap my head around what is going on in Charlottesville, I have to try to put my feelings into words. I’m deeply saddened and heartbroken as I look at the hate-filled pictures. Young men so full evil, all I can think is “how can this be happening?” Like you, I might not know exactly what to say. I tend to wonder if I will offend someone or say it in the wrong way, or my words will be twisted and used against me. However, I can’t sit by and remain silent. What is happening is wrong, it is evil, and we as Christ followers should speak up and say so. 

I remember growing up learning about Abraham Lincoln and slavery. I recall being dumbfounded that it all could even happen, that someone would view people as so inferior that they could treat them as such. 

I had the same feeling when I read about the civil rights movement and the days of MLK and Rosa Parks. One of my teachers, seeing my awe, gave me a book on Rosa Parks in 3rd grade. I read it over and over again. Her story and her perspective was so heartbreaking and at the same time inspiring to me. I have read that same book to my older boys.  

The same occurred when I learned about the Holocaust and read the book The Anne Frank Diary. As I read through, it just seemed so unreal. I had the same questions yesterday. How can people do this? How can they act like this? How can they be so hateful? 

At a young age, I was deeply disturbed and confused by these events and inherently knew it was so wrong and evil. Every time I learn about another event of hatred, slavery, racism, sexism...all of it...that disturbance and confusion never lessens. I still can’t fathom it all. 

My whole life, I have been a person who feels strongly about injustice. I’m not sure if it is a first born thing, maybe it’s something we all have. I am a white girl, who never  experienced racism. Yes, I’m a woman and have experienced sexism. However, it is nothing compared to what my friends of color have to deal with on an everyday basis. I’ve heard of the daily racism that affects their lives, the fear they have in situations that don’t even occur to us. I’ve heard of their experiences in getting pulled over and the longer time they have to leave for going through security at the airport -- All the little things that we white people never have to even think of. 

Its still hard to fathom this rally and the faces of these young men who are drinking the cup of poisonous lies. What are they thinking? How were they raised this way? I’ve read so much about this growing up, never thinking that we would see it again, yet here we are. I see now how it is a slow fade to this, how it can be taught to think in this way. You can now look back and see how things like this have happened. It’s the same lies, hate, bigotry, and false superiority that has Satan’s fingerprint all over it. 

Friday night, Zak and I had our first date in months. We’re still unsure how it had been so long...one busy month turned into 4..maybe even 6. So we decided to make up for it and go stay in St. Paul for an overnight date. All the praise hands! 

Beautiful Night in the city, reminds me of Europe.

We used all that date money from the last few months and spent it in a weekend. We started with a nice dinner, which was good...but we have concluded that we are not fancy people. I used to think I wanted fancy dinners at a fancy place, and now I know it isn’t really my thing. We sat inside and saw Rice Park filling with food trucks and people. Live music began filling the air. 

We ate our fancy food, all the while wishing it was tacos from the food truck, skipped desert, and bee-bopped outside as quickly as our legs could carry us. The music was a mixture of reggae and Afro-fusion. You couldn’t help but move to the beat. It was intoxicating. 

People were being drawn in from all sides of the park. People of all ages were dancing, young children to old men and women. There were gay couples, mixed race couples, many ethnicities represented, old men and young women, homeless people, well to do people who were leaving the Ordway, police officers, hipsters, everyone, and every way of life seemed to be there-- all were in this little moment. 

Everyone was smiling and dancing. As the band played and we were watching this, dancing ourselves, it felt like a holy moment. I had to fight back tears. I felt like God was looking down and saying “this is good.” This is what he created us for. The band played and the lead singer had everyone shout “MORE LOVE”...”What do we need??”...“MORE LOVE!” 

Even in closing out the set, the bassist said something along the lines of “we are all one tonight! Thank you and God bless you!”

That night, it really felt like a moment, and I think others felt it too.  It felt like if Jesus were in the crowd, he would’ve been right there in that moment too. I’m not sure why it felt so unique and special. I’ve been in surroundings like that before, so why did this feel so new? Maybe because miles away in Charlottesville there would be hate and racism going on. But in our little pocket of St. Paul, love was winning all over the place. 

It was a great reminder that in the midst of such darkness that love is still winning. Love is stronger then hate. Love is all we need (thank you, John Lennon). It’s what we’re called to do in this life. Like Jen Hatmaker always says -- “Love God, Love people. The End.” I have this hanging in my 

bathroom. 

If I get nothing else right with kids, I truly hope they get this. I say to them precisely a billion times a day, “treat people the way you want to be treated.” I also teach them that if they are silent when someone is picking on or bullying their brother, sister, or anyone, that they are just as guilty. They need to speak up and stick up for one another. So today I speak up for my brothers and sisters. 

So today and every day, I say this is wrong. This is not okay. Not on my watch. I will do what my God calls me to do, to love others. 

“If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother or sister, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.” 1John 4:20

A slow start...

Today is a beautiful spring day, the sun is out, the birds are singing and signs all point to no more snow. Thank the Lord! We are in the last few weeks of school, were really trying to stay with it, and on top of everything but we just really want to let the kids stay up late and play with their friends ‘till the sun starts to set. We are ready for bonfires, and gardening, and being outside as much as we can. But we’re trying to stick with it and there always seems to be so much doing at the end of the year. May is just crazy!!

This morning I was supposed to head to the gym after I dropped the big boys off to school. However,  I just could not do it. I was dressed and ready too. I decided to head home after the twins and I hit the grocery store for some fruit and cereal for the week. Cereal is a food group with my family, I blame my husband who is deeply passionate about his cereal.  It is it’s very own food group in our house. On the drive home I immediately began to give myself a guilt trip for not going to the gym. I have goals I remind myself, my health is important and so on.  But I couldn’t convince myself to go. I really love going the gym, and its not usually too much of a struggle to get me there. This was more then I just didn’t feel like it. It was a deeper tired, I was just on E. I stopped the guilt talk and I gave myself grace and reminded myself that my mental and emotional health is just as important. This past week was very busy, meetings, doctor visits, spring concerts, a big event I was working on with IJM, (International Justice Mission) and its ok to just stay home and be still. This is how I regroup, restore, it’s another way for me to connect with God.  It’s so easy to compare ourselves to others and whip out the “shoulds” but I am starting to realize when I start saying “I should”, I stop and dig a little deeper and figure out my real motives. Is it that I am being lazy or do I really need to rest today (we know sometimes it is the first- for real)?

So, we came home and we made our breakfast and had a slow start. We then went outside, the twins “helped” me garden as much as any three year-old toddlers can and we enjoyed the sunshine, and just being in the dirt. We looked at bugs, and they chased birds. There is something about nature and God, something about being out in his creation that restores us and revives us. Where we can get away from the screens in our lives, to stop listening to those voices and hear the one who created it all. There are so many verses in the bible that talk about nature and creation. Psalms 8:3-4 says “When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that your are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?”

After we came in, my boy Bennett was asking to take a nap, which is a rarity these days. My girl Lucy, who should be tired since she kept me up last night, of course is not napping.  She should be a joy around 5pm tonight! My hubby and I jokingly refer to her lately as Taka from Moana in these moments.  I really do think they are tired after the weekend too, and needed a slow morning as much as mama did.  

 

Sometimes it’s ok to skip the gym, go slow about your day.  Focus on the beauty and good around you, make tea, start a new book. Listen to the trees rustle outside your window, which to me always reminds me of the way the ocean sounds. It’s like it’s breathing, in and out, just being, not doing. I think we were meant to live with purpose, and we are here to learn how to live and love.  I think God wants us to also to enjoy life and his creation, this life is a gift! There is something about stopping the doing and just “be” sometimes. The laundry and to-do list can wait. Just be. 

God doesn’t care if you have the perfect body, or the perfect house and yard. He doesn’t care how much money you have. I think he cares much more about our heart. (Side-note: Yes, he entrusted with us with these things to be good stewards of. I believe in putting good clean food in our bodies, and exercising, taking care of what God has given you.)  However, I know when I stop and slow down, and appreciate the beauty around me, and the thankfulness grows in me and I intern am a more joyful person. I Sometimes think it’s a little like how I look at my yard, on how I see it. Sometimes I see it with my own critical eyes, the same eyes I see myself with at times and sometimes I see it the way I think God sees it and us..

For example, I look at my yard and I see what others must see, more dandelions then grass, some bald spots here and there, how lumpy it is. I start to feel overwhelmed by all the “doing” that needs to be done to it. But other times, when I am just out there simply to appreciate the outdoors, I look at it differently and I see beautiful yellow spots across my yard, I see big happy bumble bees going to flower to flower.  Instead of holes, I see how many animals that have made my yard their homes.  The bunnies choose my yard year after year to have their babies, even though I think they have poor judgement because they forget about my dog, who enjoys playing toss the baby bunnies into the air, bless!  We have bird nests under our deck and in our trees. I see where my kids have played and thrown sand outside the sandbox and remember the fun moments. I see a yard where it’s safe for their bare feet to run; I see grass patches gone under their swings where they have pretended to be rocket ships a million times. I see the raspberries and strawberries that grow each year and recall the sweet memories when the kids get to pick them and have berry faces and empty berry bowls. For those moments,’ I do not see the projects, the have-to’s, the imperfections. I see the life that is being lived, the beauty that is here in all imperfect glory. To me that is what I love about Jesus, because with him, my load is light, to Him I am enough. There is such freedom found in Him and when I reconnect with that, that’s essentially what I am doing when I slow down. I am renewed.

So today, take some time to reconnect; take some time to just be; take some to get outside and listen to the trees and the birds. No screens, no distractions, let the thankfulness come and the freedom of knowing Whose you are return. 

Why Christian School???

I have wanted to write this blog for a long time. But I kept putting it off because I didn’t want it to ever sound like I was saying that one way to raise your kids is better than another. So my disclaimer is I believe there is no superior way. I believe that we all do what is best for our kids. I believe when you do that, no matter where you are, God will take care of the details. However, I am frequently asked why I chose private Christian schooling. Here it is.

It began with my own journey at Christian Life School (now Christian Life Academy, CLA) a very long time ago…ok.  My parents wanted to me to have a Christ-centered education. I happened to be one of the first few classes to start there, since it was a new school at the time. Remember – many...many years ago. 

I was there preschool (K3) to 3rd grade, and then returned for 8-12^thgrade. This is where the foundation of my faith was built. This is where I learned verses that I can still recall today. It’s where I was just able to be a kid without the pressures of the world weighing me down. It’s where teachers cared enough to pray for you each day. I know because I saw my name on their notepads in their bibles. Some of us needed extra prayers.

Mrs. Heikes, my 3rd Grade Teacher at CLA

Ellie (CLA 2009), Mrs Heikes, Colleen (CLA, my year), and Karen St. John. Karen still teaches there!

Me, Rachel (CLA, 1999), and our BFF Jen Hatmaker :)

For a kid to see that, it impacts them. It reminds them that, beyond their parents, they are loved and cared for. It’s where I saw parents rally together to help each other when others were going through hard times. When a teacher needed new tires for her car or someone needed a Bible, it was taken care of. 

We were showed how to serve others, whether it was cleaning our school, doing yard work for a widow, or going on a mission trip to Dominican Republic. These shaped who I am. They spoke to my heart. They also happen to be some of my favorite memories. I don’t think that is a coincidence.  

This school is where a lot of “my people” come from, some were not even from my own grade - some were teachers who have become like family. These are the people who have my back, encourage me, believe in me, and we do real life together. 

Just a few of "my people" on a trip last year together. They are some of the bravest, kindest, strongest women I know. They are amazing moms, wives, friends and all have great careers. 

More of the amazing friends, and teacher I get the privilege to do life with. The girl across the laps in front Colleen and I have been friends since we were 4 years old, my soul sister for sure. 

You may find it surprising that we actually sent our first born to public at first. I wanted to send him to CLA. But at the time we were daunted by the money and I believe I was pregnant…again. In hindsight, we wish we would’ve walked in faith, filled out the financial aid packets, and done what we could’ve to get him there.

Those three years were not all bad. But Liam is still getting over some of the bad memories that were made there. We dealt with 5^th grade boys bullying him…starting in kindergarten - to the point where he was given a bloody nose in 1^st Grade. 

1^st Grade... 

This doesn’t even count the times that his clothes were made fun of (the insignia on a Nautica polo made it “a baby shirt”), kids opening up bathroom stalls on him…I could go on. 

I was told “boys will be boys.” 

We dealt with the scary books/costumes at Halloween time that gave our sensitive kid with the vivid imagination nightmares. He heard older boys talking about different kinds of sex on the bus. Again…he was five. The boys on the bus were 10.

We noticed him growing angry and more defiant with us and with everyone. It seemed too early to be going through all this. Wasn’t he supposed to love school?? I remember reading the book on raising boys by Dr. Dobson and he had some great advice on bullying and school, basically to do what you can to remove them from that kind of atmosphere.  

After prayer, and conversations, my husband and I decided to take another look at Christian Life, and to make the leap. We were not sure how we were going to swing it, but we did. The next year God provided the $$ for us to send both boys and we were able to pay in full. The lesson God keeps teaching me is that when you do something hard for the benefit of your family, God rewards that. Every time.  

Our Liam is a different kid. He loves school and loves his friends. He gets to be a normal 8-year old. The biggest change is his own relationship with God. He reads his Bible...on his own, people. He knows more verses than one of his parents…not me ;) I thought we talked about God a lot in our house, but this has made God even more a part of our home. 

The teachers pray over each child on the first day of school

The most precious Christmas program to date 

Hands on learning

Liam has been able to see what “the church” looks like as well. His very first week at CLA, his new friend, her mom, and sister were in a severe car accident. Liam was devastated. But he witnessed how the school prayed relentlessly for this family. The older kids came in and prayed with the younger kids. Liam took to heart that every time you think of them, we pray. 

I would see him in the backyard stopping to pray, I would hear him in the bathroom. We gathered at our own church and we prayed like never before. These kids were able to witness “how we do” when life goes awry. They now see Gods miracle everyday walking the halls, as the family was healed. They have heard the story of that day and the miracles that took place. It is something that these kids will never forget. It has shaped and continues to shape who they are. 

Liam with his 2nd grade class showing support for the family last year

My husband, who was pretty skeptical about sending our kids to private school, is now one of its biggest cheerleaders – not only because he sees the difference in our kids, he sees the difference in the older kids. He helps with the drama team in the high school and he can’t get over how good, kind, and generous the kids are. I’ve seen these older kids stop and hold the door for the younger kids, when I knew it would mean they would miss their bell and be late. I have seen them stop and help when someone has slipped and fallen on the ice. These little things matter.  

One day, I hope our state will let us use our tax money to go to the school to which we want to send our children. But until then, this money is the best money we could ever spend. We are spending it on our children’s foundation of what they believe, who they are, and who they will be. We are letting them be kids for as long as they can, and see the church at work – all the while receiving a great education. 

Of course, they will still have to “deal with the world,” as people say. But they will have a greater foundation to lean on as they navigate through it. I know I did.