Mama Moments

Today was one of the worst mom mornings I have had in a long time. This morning we all woke up a little late, which in my house in unheard of. But the last two nights were late ones. Liam and I spent one night at minute clinic going for strep tests. Then last night while I was at church I get a text “you need to come home, Kellan shoved Legos up his nose and is freaking out, I think he needs to go to the ER.”  Awesome. Kellan is my four year old middle child.

Never a dull moment in the Kane household.

The funny thing is that these visits are starting to shock me less and less. If it were my first, I would be speeding home and oh so worried. I am realizing with the more kids you have, the more of a chance there is that any given day could be a day to go to the ER. I told Zak that we may need to move closer to Children’s Hospital. Oh, and yes - Kellan is just fine, one came out on his own and after much exploratory efforts by the doctor, they came to the conclusion that he must have swallowed the other. Only time will tell I suppose. ;)

My kids never sleep in. NEVER. So when they all did, we were thrown. (For the record sleeping in at our house is anything after 6:30am.)  Zak rushed off late to work. Normally, all three boys wake up at 5:30 am. Lucy, however, takes after her mother and likes to sleep in and wake up slowly. When Bennett wakes her up before she is ready, she in one unhappy little lady until she takes her nap. Lucy is my genetic defense for my own struggle in the morning. I tell Zak that I can't help it that I'm not a morning person, just look at Lucy. 

The struggle is real. 

Everything was just off this morning - crabby babies, the big boys goofing off and spilling their cereal in the process, and worst of all - low on milk, which meant no precious latte for me (I have issues). When told to go get dressed for school, the boys went in and proceeded to dump their toys around the room. As I walked in to check on them, I stepped on some Lego creation. Boy, do those things hurt! There are days I would like to ban Legos from my house forever. Especially after Kellan placed two up his nose. Legos are on my list. 

Babies raided the snack cupboard and made off with the raisins

Bennett on the table..again. They were busier than normal on this day. 

I lost it. I yelled at them to pick up and get dressed. I was just done. I think I may have grounded them from playing on the iPad for life. There weren't too many rational thoughts in my head or words coming out of my mouth. It was barely 8am and I felt like I had already failed as a mom. These are the moments that I am not proud of myself. These are the moments that I pray the kids don't remember more than our good moments. These are the moments that I wish I could rewind, walk away and take a breath and realize that what I felt was such a big deal, really isn't in the big picture. 

As we were walking out the door that morning, I stopped to tell Liam I was sorry for snapping at him. I said something like, these moments are not what I want, I don't want to be that kind of mom. He looked up at me and without hesitation he said, “You're the best Mom!!” and threw his arms around me. It made me remember what Lysa Terkust said - “Bad moments do not make bad Mamas.” They happen. We're human. Yes, I try to avoid them. I am learning how to navigate better when these moments do occur. I am starting to walk away and take breaths think about how I want to react.

A friend had sent me the book “The Hardest Peace.” On a Sunday afternoon I began to read it. I later found out that the day I started reading her words is the day she left this earth. Kara Tippetts, the author, had terminal cancer. But her book is not so much about cancer or about dying. It is about living - Truly being present in our lives, seeing the beauty. Life may not always be pretty, but there is always beauty. It's about faith and the grace God gives us during the hard moments. It was the perfect book to be reading on the day I was feeling like I was sucking at a momhood.

I read her book in a few days. Her words have left a permanent mark on me. On this day, I read this -

“The small moments have become enormous. The fire in the fireplace, the coffee in the mugs, the rib tickles, the learning to apply makeup, the singing out loud and off key-those are huge moments. Those are milestones”

Her book has reminded me to live in the present - to soak up the extra midnight snuggles with babies, to say yes more than I say no, and to find the beauty in each day, not waiting for the big moments to happen. They are happening right now, as you feed your babies, as you drive them to school. These are the big moments and every day really is a blessing.

I am far from perfect, and I will still have bad mama moments. But these moments do not define me.

I am thankful for the mama moments that I have been given. I am going to soak them up. In the book, each night she sits and takes a few minutes to rub her kids' feet and chat with them to really see their heart. I did something like this a while back. We call it “talking turns.” My Grandma had 5 kids and she did this at night with each of her kids. She gave an hour of her time each night to make sure her kids felt loved and valued as an individual.

Life was crazy the last few months and we stopped doing this. I started again this week, taking time with the boys. In those few moments to chat and pray with them and them alone. I truly see them, truly hear them. I pray that these are the moments they remember of their Mama - the times we chat about life, the talks we have over our morning Veggie Tales devotionals, our living room dance parties, all the fun we do have. The moments that seems so small to us, yet are so big to them.

"You will never have this day with your children again. Today is a gift. Breathe and notice. Study their little faces and feet. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today mama, it will be gone before you know it" -Jen Hatmaker

So enjoy your day, that amazing latte you have, the blue skies and the birds singing, the morning with your littles, sing loud in your car, or even car dance..yes, that's a thing in our family. Embrace the toys thrown across your living room and accept God's grace in the moments that we find ourselves exasperated and dry. Let's live in the moment and seize our day, for we never know how many we have. Let's make the moments count and be thankful.

“When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for this world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks” -Ann Voskamp, One thousand gifts