Thankful. 

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. I love that it’s a season of dwelling on the good things in our lives and less on the stuff we want. I love hearing my children talking more about what they are thankful for, instead of their ever growing list of wants. Anytime I was going through a hard time in my life as a kid, my mom would tell me to go and “count my blessings.” She meant business, too. She would actually get me pen and paper and have me write them out. Even if I had started out annoyed at her simple solution, I did always start to feel better by the end of my list. It’s one of the reasons I love the worship part of church as well. When we start to lift our hands to heaven and praise the King of the world, we remember how big He is and somehow our problems seem smaller. 

As I reflect on not just this year but the many before it, I am in awe of how God has been so good to me. Even seasons that felt like hell, he used the flames to refine me, to give me a deeper appreciation for all I have, and to realize that each day is a gift and each good thing comes from above. He used every moment and season for his glory, for something greater. There were moments he pruned away my selfishness and insecurities (these two may be need ongoing maintenance), anger, and unforgiveness.

What I am most in awe of looking back is that he heard each prayer or cry that I had sent up. Each cry that was in desperation or frustration, he did hear. He may not have always answered in the way I wanted or in the timeframe I would have preferred, but my prayers were heard and answered better his way than my own.

I have been reading the book “Play with Fire” by Bianca Olthoff. It’s fantastic and you should buy it immediately. I have most the book underlined with notes written in the margins. The husband keeps asking when he can start reading it and I may have suggested he order his own copy.

What I am loving about it is that even though her story is different in circumstances and events than mine, her story is my story. It’s your story. It’s the Israelites’ story. It’s about our fight for his plans versus our plans. It’s about walking through the storms of our lives and crying out to him, surrender that we find when we have no more fight. Bianca says that “What looks like impending death or utter despair signifies the beginning of a rescue, a demonstration of resurrection or the impetus for revival.” 

I remember as a teenager being afraid to tell God to have his way in my life. I was scared he would stick me in the middle of Africa with no running water or electricity. I forget which missionary book we read in high school, but I remember a part where the missionary had a gigantic tapeworm that came up his throat looking for food.

A tapeworm. Up his throat. Nope. Not me. Please send someone else.

I was scared that what he had for me, and I would hate. I wanted to try to do life my way. Even though I still went to church and read my bible, I wasn’t fully surrendered to his plan for my life.

I was always envious of those who knew from a young age what they wanted to do or be when they grew up.

I had no clue.

I knew what I didn’t want to do. I had given my list to God many times. All I did know was that I wanted to travel and be a mom. I knew I wanted to make a difference in this world and somehow make it better. 

I remember crying out when Liam and Kellan were small and money was so tight I wasn’t sure how we were even going to be able to buy food the following week. I remember during this same season, where loneliness was my companion, as I was still adjusting to this stay-at-home mom gig. This time in my life was so overwhelming I could barely eat. If you know me, this is never a problem for me. I began praying for new friends, old friends, people to do life with. 

I look back at these seasons and I see that God never left me. He used each season for his good. He is God and he can take the worst things in our life and still find some way to redeem them if we let him.

But all of these answered prayers took steps of faith as well.

He put people or events in my path that led me to where he wanted me to be. Yes, sometimes it was all him, when he sent money out of the blue or a local pastor pulled up with a trunk full of groceries when he didn’t even know how much we needed them. But sometimes it took me stepping out of my comfort zone. For example - my very first night at Moms’ Group at church, I was terrified.

But the very first person who came up to me, not only eased my fear and made me feel welcomed, but turned out to become one of my closest friends.  

Pregnant with twins, Noonday’s vision was on my heart and I said yes to becoming an ambassador even though it didn’t make sense to start something with two impending babies. But I couldn’t shake it. Not only did it bring amazing friends into my life, it broadened my mind. I found women whose hearts were also breaking for what broke God’s and were wanting to live differently. Noonday then led me to work with IJM, and my eyes were opened even more to what was going on in the world. 

I find it ironic that after having my twins, I have traveled more than ever before. First with IJM to Washington DC to lobby. Something that, again, I was terrified to do! God has used even more trips since then to stretch me, strip down insecurities, and know that I am rooted in him. I’ve gone to Austin TX, with Noonday, Paris & Costa Rica with husband, Miami with friends, and Greece & Cyprus with church. 

If you would have told me years ago, that I would go to these places after my twins, I would have never believed you!

We serve a good God. It’s taken me years to accept and understand the depths of God’s love for us, for me. I still struggle at times with comprehending the how and why. But as a mother, I know the love I feel for my children. He loves us even more than that.

Mind blown right?

But when we start believing that, we live differently. We see everything differently. Fear and doubt may still come in, but we remember whose child we are. I stopped caring what others think of me and cared only what he thought of me. It’s freeing!

God never had to prove his love for me, but all through my life he keeps on showing me. He keeps on pursuing me. He is the only one that will work the broken things in life for good. He is the only one that will never leave us or forsake us. He will never reject me no matter what I have done. We may go through hard times but he will never leave me, and for that I am eternally thankful.

I think God wants us to cry out to him more. He already knows what you’re thinking and feeling. I still struggle and have desert seasons. I still wrestle with feelings and emotions I don’t know what to do with.

He knows you’re angry or hurt, and have so many questions...wait that might be just me.

I have so many questions, thoughts and feelings - bless it. 

He can handle it. Bring it to him. Lay it all out there. Be authentic with the one who created you. One thing Bianca says in her book that I love and triple-underlined is this:

“If God knows all - including my heart and mind - why do I have to express myself aloud to Him? Why do I have to pray? And here’s what I found. Yes, God knows our hearts and hears the faintest whispers for help rising from the deepest places in our spirits. But when we’re desperate enough to cry out, we are humbled. And when we’re humbled enough, something happens - God responds with saving power.”

So this Thanksgiving, if you find yourself in a desert in your life, I pray you seek God and cry out to him. Seek life-giving friends and a life-giving church. Say “YES” to what he puts in front of you. Take it moment by moment. I’m a believer that we were made for community and to do life together. It’s not going to be perfect. It’s going to be messy and beautiful all together. You can’t have the good without the bad...don’t make me start singing the theme song to “Facts of Life.” You get the point. The amazing thing is a lot of the time the answer is each other, were meant to do this “bruitiful” life together (thank you Momastery).

I’m so thankful that God answered my prayers and has sent me amazing group of women who make me better and friends from my past who are my soul sisters. I know that during my trials it was the “your pain is now my pain and we’re in this together” kind of friendship that kept me going. Im so thankful to my family, to my Moms and Aunts who prayed and helped whenever they could. I would not be here with out them. 

God gives us each other.

So this Thanksgiving, that verse in the bible that use to always slightly annoy me saying “rejoice during trials” is actually true. I like the message version "Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try and get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you will become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way" (James 1:2-4). I am thankful for the flames that surrounded me and that keep on refining me. I am thankful for the moments I got to feel His peace and know He was there. I am thankful for the people who were Jesus to me. I am thankful that God hears my cries and loves me despite of my shortcomings. I am thankful for all he has given me, for my beautiful children and all he has restored. I am thankful he loves me, all of me.

I am thankful.