*Guest Post from "The Husband" - or as those in Philly would say, "Husbint"
Yesterday, Gina shared a post of our story. It was meant to be a post that would bring hope to those that may be in a similar situation as we were last year. We didn't imagine it being viewed and shared as much as it was.
In the last 24 hours, stories have poured in of couples that need healing. Most of these stories come from women that are longing for something more from their marriages. Many of these stories come from a place of helplessness, just as Gina had last summer. Their husbands' hearts have hardened. Their husbands won't do the things necessary to love the woman that they promised to take care of.
Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from one husband. Which means that either men are being typical "men" and not asking for help or they are completely oblivious to the heart that they are breaking on a daily basis.
So this one is for the men.
Guys - a few questions for starters -
Are you happy? Really...are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your life - your marriage, your career, your family, your purpose?
Next one - and this is harder - Is your wife happy? If yes, how do you know? Have you asked her? If no, why? And what are you doing about it?
Now some background...
Eleven years ago, I promised before family, friends, and God to love my wife until the day I died. Fast-forward 9 years, and I told that same woman that I was no longer in love with her. That I was broken and didn't think things could ever be fixed. I was unhappy, and thought that she was the source of that unhappiness. She was heartbroken and even though I apologized and said that it was only in the heat of the moment that I said it, she withdrew. She naturally didn't trust me with her heart and the innocence of our love had been violated.
And now the REALLY not fun part
We struggled on, but the effect of that moment carried on for the next year. It culminated in me starting an emotional affair, and yet again telling my beautiful bride that I didn't want to be married anymore. That my feelings for her were dead. This time, it wasn't in the heat of the moment. It was real, and it was final. We started talking about the logistics of a divorce and how we would exist in a post-marriage life. We also decided that we would try to patch things up for a bit, if only for the kids' sake.
What I didn't know is that Gina had a Holy Spirit fire in her at that moment. She decided that if our marriage was to be lost, it would not be without a fight. She bought me a book that I had never read - The Resolution for Men.
Now, I hadn't historically read a lot of "Christian Inspiration" books. I might pick them up and read a few chapters and put them down only to gather dust. This one looked like it would be no exception. I decided that I would browse through it and read just enough to be able to answer a few questions that Gina might ask. I certainly didn't expect that it would rock my world.
The opening stories in the book involve a perspective on legacy. It outlines how one decision of a man changed his legacy from one of heartache and destitution to one of success, love, and joy. And he changed it not just for himself, but for his children and his childrens' children. It broke me. What legacy was I leaving? If I made this decision, how would it affect me, my kids, and my grandkids? The gravity of the situation increased. It wasn't about me and Gina, it was about our generations.
I continued reading the book and was constantly challenged by the philosophies of leadership, of self-control, of love. Still, I made it about me. It was about improving ME instead of improving my home.
About the night that Gina mentioned in her blog...
We were coming to a close of our Cape May adventure that we both thought would be our last family vacation. Gina asked about the future, and I couldn't answer. I tore off from our campsite and simply said that I needed time to think. She was worried. My family was worried. Even I was worried. I was sitting on a park bench in the beautiful little area around Cape May's outdoor mall. One bench over was a man sleeping on it. As clearly as I've ever heard God speak, I heard "you can either let your bad experiences ruin you, or you can let them shape you into the man I want you to be." I sat there weeping for a long while. I decided then that I would let all the bad of the past shape me and mold me, however painfully, into a man of legacy instead of ruin.
I bought a small wooden sign that we saw earlier in the day. It said "Cape May is my Happy Place." I still look at that sign almost every day. It reminds me of that night. That moment.
All of the changes didn't happen overnight. Like sharpening an old rusted blade, the process took time. But over the next two months, we fixed it. It took humility on both sides. We both apologized a LOT. By the time we hopped on a flight to Paris, it was evident that neither of us was going anywhere. That we'd stay and fight for our marriage. It's worth every minute of effort. I have the love of my life. And (most days) she has hers :)
Men, if you've read this far, or if you read nothing but this paragraph, here's my advice and key points:
- Your happiness does not reside in another woman
- Your happiness does not reside as a single person (if you're currently married)
- Your "feelings" will lie to you. Often.
- If your marriage isn't a happy place - It is likely your fault.
Yes, you read that right. Your fault. Chances are, your wife is begging you on the inside to be the man she married. Everything she says to you, every time she's frustrated with you, every time she gives you a hard time -- That's her outward way of trying to push you to step up and be the man of her dreams. Be that man. You can do it. In fact, I DARE you to do it. See, I've found that when women tell a man to be a man, she's seen as a nag (or worse); when a man tells another man to step up - it's a challenge...and men LOVE a good challenge.
Remember when you first were dating? Remember nights out and long talks? Remember showering and dressing up for those nights? Do you still do that? Do you still love her and SHOW that you love her? Because guess what - if you don't, another man will. And if you've neglected your wife, chances are, you'll do it to the next one.
Fix it. Your moment is now. Your legacy or your ruin can begin today. I dare you to step up and be the man that you KNOW you are. You ARE strong. You ARE capable. You CAN do this. It won't be easy, but when has anything worth having EVER come easily?
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