The mess becomes the message.

Friday the 16^th marked our 11th wedding anniversary! How crazy is that? This year, we took some time to reflect on the last year; how we got here, and how far God has brought us. We both felt that it was about time to share more of our story.

For us, this anniversary felt more special than our 10^th. This one carried more depth and more meaning for us. I dare say it almost felt like a first for us.

See - a little over a year ago, we had a bomb dropped in our marriage. This was just months after a previous bomb had been dealt with (see previous blog - "Forever Winter"), and we had bandaged up and carried on. As my wounds were finally beginning to heal, my husband’s were unravelling. Mental illness did not help him and some poor choices were made.

It’s his story. It’s my story. It’s our story. I don’t need to share all the gritty details to get my point across. There is something in sharing with you that can be so freeing. Sometimes, to share the amazing things God has done in our lives, you have to share the not-so-great things that have happened. There are things the devil wants us to be ashamed about and hide; so we keep what God did a secret, so we can keep our pride.

Our stories, our messes, and the restoration that only God can do is what we need share more of.

Our marriage was shattered. Our hearts were broken. And it seemed like it was over. I had numbers of lawyers to call. It was really happening. It felt surreal. And I wondered how we got here. I knew how, but it felt so unfair. My heart finally was ready to love and trust again, and his heart was closed. 

After this bomb had been dropped and after much discussion, we decided we should “try again.” But it seemed half-hearted; an “I owe it to you” kind of try. I wasn’t sure what direction we would end up going.

In this time of uncertainty and heartbreak, I had peace that I had never felt. This was a peace that “passed all understanding.” It was a “be still and know that I am God” moment. In all my days forward, I will never forget it. This did not mean I was upbeat and sunshine and roses. I still had days where all I could do was cry and moments that the sadness seemed too much. I was mourning what was, what could’ve been, and the loss of my best friend.

The peace I had was in knowing that God was with me and either way I was going to be okay. I had my close girlfriends praying hard. I had my mom and mother-in-law praying. It was war. I fought hard in prayer for my marriage. We had come out of so much to lose it here. We still loved each other, we may not be able to fix this but God could.

And you know what? He did. He showed up big time.

We were on our way out east for a family road trip to visit my husband’s family. Because why not pack up four small kids and trek across the country when your husband is a little manic and your marriage is hanging on by a thread?! Sounds like a perfectly good idea.

I had started to see some changes and glimmers of hope in our marriage before we left. A few weeks earlier we were sent some amazing books (The Resolution For Men, and the Resolution for Women) and they were really giving us some great perspective. Zak couldn’t put his book down. We would stay up late talking about our new revelations.

The trip actually went surprisingly smooth. I think in the back of our minds we thought this might be our last family trip, so let’s make it a good one. We had time to talk, cry, and laugh. We were in the moment. We avoided talk about the future as much as we could. Towards the end of our trip one late night, all I can share is that God got a hold of my husband. There was much crying, hugging, apologies, and healing that happened that night. Walls were torn down, and we were set on a new path. God changed me too. He softened my heart and we were healed and restored in a way that only God can do. Since that day, our marriage has never felt the same as before. Maybe that should be our new anniversary.

So much restoration has happened in this last year; not just in our marriage, but in our finances, in our family, and in ourselves. I believe God is not even close to being done yet and is just getting started with us. We both have the marriage that our hearts had been wanting for so many years. God has been so good and faithful to us.

We spent our 11th anniversary with our kids and had a special family night at the Mall of America at Build-A-Bear –something the kids have wanted to do in forever and we always said no, or someday. So it was fun to surprise them with a special night. A few days later, we went and celebrated. It was my husband’s turn to plan and all he told me it would be like a day in Paris. So I wore the dress I bought for Paris the previous year but didn’t get to wear due to weather. We had an amazing lunch out, a glass of wine that reminded us of our honeymoon in Napa. We talked, dreamed, planned, and prayed about our life together.  We then went to the Minnesota Institute of Art, visited the Monet exhibit and took in some beauty. It was a beautiful day and I look forward to many more.

Off to celebrate our anniversary 

I wish I could leave with you with 5 easy steps to fix your marriage, but I can’t. All I know is that I think we need to fight for our marriage every day. You both need to be all in, trying to out-give and out-love the other. Your feelings are not always your truth, prayer is your most powerful tool, and that there is always hope. Always. Hope in our God - you may not be able to fix your marriage, but he can. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but he can. Never stop seeking him - don’t get too comfy, don’t settle for less, pray hard for each other, for your children. God is in the restoration business. It’s what he does, and has been doing since Genesis. Let him in your heart and your home and see what he can change - seek his face and in the end you will be okay no matter what.