"Paris is always a good idea" - Part one

Paris...

Where to begin... 

To write about Paris I felt I needed a fancy font. But that may be hard to read. 

Everyone asks – “What was your favorite thing?”

It sounds like it should be an easy question. But there was not just one thing. If you know me I have to over think everything. All of it was beautiful - the architecture, the food, the wine, the art, the people. Yes, the people! We did not encounter any rude French people. In fact, we found the opposite. They seemed kind and gracious - even when we butchered their beautiful language. 

All of Paris is exquisite, and 5 days is not enough time to take it all in. But it was a great start. My favorite thing in Paris was the feeling you have when you are there. 

You’re surrounded by beauty. It all looks and sounds like a scene in a painting or movie. Every corner smells like the fresh croissants and baked goods. There is music playing every where you wonder. People stop on the streets to kiss, to embrace, to share a quiet moment. And not in a “get a room” kind of way, but in a purely romantic, heartfelt way.

I noticed way less people on their cell phones. In any store or restaurant you enter, they look you right in the eye and say “Bonjour,” and welcome you in. I loved in restaurants or cafes, once you ordered, they let you be. They give you a big bottle of water and if you need anything or are ready for your bill, you let them know. They are always keeping an eye out for you, but they just are not rushing you. Someone described it to us that the restaurants view it as the client is “renting the space.”

I also noticed that EVERYONE gets dessert. My friends...I. Have. Found. My. HOME. 

The meals are enjoyed slowly. Everything is meant to be savored. In Paris, all of your senses are engaged, just like God created us to be. 

I think that is why it is so magical. It's how we are supposed to live. It's how we were created to be - to delight in life, with the ones we love around us. 

We forget that in our everyday lives; where everything seems so ritualistic and we start to feel like Steve Martin from the original Parenthood when he says “My whole life is 'have to'." 

I don't know about you, but I don't want to live like that. I feel like God has been working on this one with me. It's funny how all of a sudden, I start to see a similar theme in the books I am reading, in the messages I hear at church, even in my moms' group, I kept hearing the word "delight" and stories of how so many of us lose that, especially during the years we are moms of littles. 

I felt like before we left for Paris, my heart was being prepped. Being there solidified that I really do need more of this in my life. More of being present, more of embracing my messy crazy life, to slow down, to go slow and enjoy what is before me. To celebrate big, and let the guilt go. To find and do the things I truly enjoy and with the ones I hold so dear. To be intentional of being present in my every day life.  

Of course Paris is good for you and your marriage, you can’t help but fall more in love on the cobble stone streets of Paris. We laughed more, talked more. We left with new dreams, bigger dreams. Paris was balm for our souls. Men take your wives to Paris!

We were all meant to create, to engage life with our 5 senses, to truly live. I believe we can all have a little of Paris right where we are at....I am at least sure going to try. 

Girls just want to have fun!

A couple weeks ago when Zak was in sunny California (I am not bitter) for a wedding, I was home with the kiddos. At first, I was very envious of his little get away. But that weekend for me served as a great reminder of what it is important. In my last blog, I shared how we had ice cream sundaes and watched movies in my bed. We stayed up later than normal and we were extra silly. But my favorite day was the day that followed.

We had no plans, no agenda, and no to-do list. It was a beautiful day - sunny with no humidity and just...perfection. These are the kind of summer days that talk us Minnesotans into staying here all year long. We took a blanket and laid it out in the backyard and we just hung out. The kids would play, come back, and lay on the blanket. We ate grapes and chatted about nothing. It was bliss. As I sat there cuddling my babes, I thought -

I need more of this in my daily life.

Just hanging out in the back yard

I love this pic, she looks like she is flower child signing "peace" but in reality she is pointing to the airplane.

This past Mother's Day, my aunt encouraged me to watch the movie “Momʼs Night Out.” So to end the day, my husband and I bought the movie and we were prepared to laugh away. About 5 minutes in, I was pretty sure this movie was based on my life. I did laugh throughout the movie; but I also cried big, hot tears. I may have been a mess. I related with the main character in the movie - bogged down by the 24-hour job of being a mom; filled with agendas and never-ending days. The job we always wanted and still we find ourselves struggling.

Then this last week while my friend was doing my hair, we were chatting away and she said, "You're so busy with being a mom, going to school, your Noonday work, what do you do for fun?” I sat there and just blinked. I wasn't sure how to answer. I wasn’t sure I had an answer.

On the drive home, I realized I am missing fun in my life. Sure, I have fun when I do Noonday. I enjoy school. And I really do love being a stay-at-home mom. This last year was a stressful season. And in the “I am barely holding it all together” time, I have smiled and laughed so much less. We are coming out of this season and it’s refreshing. I feel like I can relax and breathe a little easier. I think God is teaching me about joy and finding it in all seasons. I get too wound up about the details. I need to give more to him and focus on today. The have-toʼs and the never ending to-do lists do not need to rule my life. So here are a few things I’m going to start trying to do.

1. More sleep. I need sleep to be able to smile more. No matter how much Jesus I have in my heart if I have not been sleeping, I struggle to find my joy.  In my psych class, we just read about what occurs in your body when you’re sleep deprived. It isn’t good, friends. I always knew it wasn’t pretty, but once I looked at it in depth, I totally need to get some more zzzʼs. And, of course, I am also blaming lack of sleep for the baby weight that keeps managing to stay with me. When I am rested, I am rational. I can focus and little things do not bother me much. So I am convinced that sleep will help me have more fun. I will be drinking the teas, oiling up, and whatever else is necessary. It’s been 7 years, it’s about time.

2. Unplug. From school, social media, TV, and my to-do list. I need to just to be sometimes. Whether it’s on a blanket in my back yard with the kids, going for a bike ride or taking time to journal and read a book I have wanted to read. 


3. Bring some fun and creativity into my world - not related to work, school or a home improvement project. We made a bucket list for the summer time and we are going to be scheduling in some fun activities. I have my own things on the bucket list that I want to do. And Zak and I have some together. I really want to do one of those wine and painting classes, or visit a vineyard, hear some live music(really anything to do with wine sounds pretty good to me).

4. Slow down. I am going to slow down and stop and smell the flowers. Truly. Last week I was in Rochester for a Noonday event. On the way home, I just decided to take my time. I drove with the windows down, and listened to some great 90ʼs country. I stopped at on Outlet Mall that was on my way and shopped a little and had lunch at the cutest cafe ever. I chatted with cashier and took my time in my favorite store. It was magic. I found a cool sign. I didn’t buy, although now I am wishing I did. I may have to drive back. Maybe at lunch, you go sit outside, take your shoes off, and listen to the birds and take in some sunshine. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive to slow down. 

5. Let it go. No I am not suggesting you watch Frozen more. Lawd knows if you have children, you have already seen this too many times. Letting go of what we can not control, the worries, the never ending to do list. We have to give it to God - focus on what we can do today and let the rest go. Let go of trying to do too much in one day. Sometimes, let go of it all and just go have a fun filled day with your kids - no multi-tasking, no cleaning, just them and you. Great, now I have "Let it Go" in my head. 

Maybe like me, you have a hard time relaxing and unplugging form the demands of everyday life. You find yourself more serious and less joyful. 

We get one life.

There will always be ups and downs. There will be days that are rough. But we can’t forget to laugh, to smile through the tears if we must. Joy and hope are all around us each day. Take some time to find what you like to do, what fuels you, what revives your soul. Now go smile and laugh and find some joy in your journey. Let’s have deep wrinkles from smiling and laughing, rather than from worrying!

"We need hours of aimless wandering or spaces of time sitting on park benches, observing the mysterious world of ants and the canopy of treetops." - Maya Angelou

Every day life

 I decided that my blog doesn't always need to have a meaningful message in each one. Sometimes I just want to write about what we are up to. I think it will be fun to look back and read; and fun for the kids to read one day. 

The last week we have been on baby bird patrol. We have a robin's nest under our deck, which desperately needed to be power washed, but that has been put on hold until said baby birds leave the nest. Speaking of leaving the nest, we are on patrol because twice the birds have fallen out of the nest. Mama bird did not build the best nest and its seems incomplete on one side. We are also watching our Phoebe dog who would like to be closer to them. She has no killer instinct, so I'm pretty sure she wants to lick them. She is big, so she can almost reach. 

I can usually hear the mama bird squawking away when Phoebe gets too close. My middle Kellan is my animal lover and he lives on top of the deck watching them. He even got a semi-permanent line one day as his faced was glued to the top of the deck. He has given them names - Peter, Chick, and Pan(were in a Peter Pan phase).  I'm pretty certain that there are only two birds in there, but he and Liam swear there are three. So we're just going with that. 

These birds have to live, he prays every night for them. It's pressure!! I think he will cry when they fly away, too. There were storms rolling in this last weekend, so we put a tarp on part of the deck to protect the nest from getting washed away. Maybe you have a stressful baby bird situation as well, here is a great link with some info to help you. It helped us cope and realize that much of what we knew was myth. 

http://blog.theanimalrescuesite.com/lost-baby-bird/?utm_source=social&utm_medium=amc&utm_campaign=lost-baby-bird&utm_term=20150514

Kellan keeping an eye on his birds

Baby birds and the Phoebe dog ever so close 

To take the baby bird drama one step further, we had one egg that did not hatch and was sitting outside the nest. I tried explaining to Kellan that it was unlikely it would hatch. He of course believe that the baby bird just needed a new nest of his own and he would not let. it. go. 

So he took a plastic bowl from the kitchen and placed napkins and paper towels in and ever-so-gently placed the baby egg right in the center. Oh how he loved this egg to take care of. He would set it in the sunshine to keep it warm and talk to “baby chick” as he called it. When his friend in the neighborhood stopped by, Kellan could not wait to show him his prized egg he was hatching. As he brought it outside he dropped it onto the grass. And before he could pick it up the unthinkable happened.  Phoebe dog, you know the one I thought had zero killer instinct, snatched it up and swallowed it whole. 

He went into full-on hysterics. He cried so hard and told me he had a broken heart. His sadness made me cry as well and I just held him for a long while. He finally settled down about 45 minutes later, but still teared up off and on throughout the day. I am sure he will be discussing this at length in therapy one day! 

Kellan and "baby chick"

Zak was gone this last weekend in California for his cousin's wedding. I so wanted to go as well, but it's the end of the school year and last week of swimming. Just too much going on. We are so ready for summer vacation and even made a bucket list of things we want to do this summer and hung it on the fridge. Bring on summer! 

So while Daddy is away, sunning himself by the pool in sunny Cali, we are had our own fun too. When Dad's away, the kids will play. We made our own little pizza, and created ice creams sundaes! We also got to have a little slumber party in our bed and watch movies! Sometimes you have to break all the rules! All in all, we had a good weekend, I only had to call poison control once and Bennett's cut finger thankfully did not need stitches. We really did have fun, but with four kids there is always something. 

I also have a few of my own trips this summer. It may not be Cali, but still will be great. This Friday, I am in Rochester for an anti human trafficking event. It sounds amazing, a night for women, all wearing white.  There will be lots of great vendors, Noonday included. Flowered crowns to wear, hot air balloon rides and more. I am turning it into a little girls' night away for myself and get to have fun and help end human trafficking. It's a win-win! Looking forward to telling you more about it. And if you are in Rochester, and want to come go to this link to register. I would love to see you there!

 http://www.eventbrite.com/e/dreamy-night-wear-white-party-benefit-for-mission-21-tickets-11245759369

I also have another home project I am working on. Since we now have a new dining table, I took our old one and painted the top with chalkboard paint and am using it in the kids' play area. It will be a place where all 4 kids can fit, sit and color. The twins won't need paper they can just scribble away! 

The table is a hit. 

I also started my Intro to Psych class and I am loving it! I definitely think I have chosen the right major. Next up is Abnormal Psych and I am pretty excited for that one as well. 

This is what is new with Kane family, looking forward to long warm summer days with kiddos. Creating memories, building imaginations, homework and soaking in the short-lived MN weather. What is on your bucket list for this summer?

In defense of the helicopter Mama's

In defense of the helicopter mom....

There seems to be so many blog posts lately that are slamming overprotective moms, now labeled the "Helicopter moms." As I read the blogs, I find myself talking back to the author as if they can hear me. I get what they are saying - you want your kids to be kids and figure things out for themselves. 

I do too. But for some of us, it takes time. For others, there may be a good reason to be helicoptering so close. I am tired of the labels and the divisions they bring. It only seems to add fuel to the so-called Mommy Wars and reminds me of the division has been placed between the working mom and the SAHM. 

Are we not just Moms that are trying to do the best we can? 

I think we need more grace for one another. We need to remember that God put different things into all of us to be the best parents to the kids we have been given. Like anything, there are extremes on both sides. Yes, there are some moms who need to stop controlling every little thing their kids do. And yes, there are the moms that use the term “free range” as an excuse to avoid parenting their young children.

Frankly, I am over these articles that swing so far either way. Moms have enough to worry about. When it comes down to it, at the end of the day what matters most is that your children are loved. Period. 

I feel I want to defend the helicopter mom and speak up for her. You see, I have been that mom. And still am sometimes. But having 4 kids has helped changed me. I want to let my kids be kids and grow into strong, independent individuals. I think that we need to have a bit more empathy for the hovering mom, and try and understand her instead of persecute her.

A few thoughts came to mind that may contribute to our hovering.

For some hovering mamas, this is their first child. Please think back and recall how you felt. I think back to when I delivered my first baby. I held him and was so happy that he was finally here and I loved him so. But I also remember the "holy-crap-things-just-got-real" feeling as well. I was in charge of this brand new little person that was completely dependent on me. All of a sudden, the world seemed a bit bigger and a lot scarier then it was before. 

Even on our way home from the hospital, we drove so much slower - more keenly aware of the dangers around us. To throw us newbie parents over the edge there was a bee in our car as well. A big bee I tell you, dodging at my head. I was convinced it wanted to sting my newborn baby who was under three layers of clothing, gloves so he would scratch his face and of course a baby hat in case he was chilly. 

Liam, my first born

Remember the worries with the first? The pressure of "Am I doing this right? Is he too hot or too cold, is he swaddled right, did I burp him right, is he eating enough?" 

I had that same "things just got real" feeling after having twins too! 

Then when he began to crawl, I started to realize how many dangers lie in one room alone. If there was a left over popcorn kernel that had somehow wedged itself under the couch, he would find it and begin to choke on it. Then there's the electric cords they want to chew on, the raisin or Lego they shove in their ear or nose. 

When he began to walk, I never realized how many drawers he could get into and what danger he would find in there. I have tall children that can reach many things they should not be able to yet. When he wanted to, he could move so fast and be out of sight in seconds. And of course, stairs were a death trap. And no matter how many times I tell him to sit on his butt before we go down the stairs, he would still try to jump off the step. 

So that mom helping her 3 year old at the playground who is making sure he doesn't fall off the 15 foot drop has good intentions. She is just trying to do her job, keep him safe. And as time goes on, she will mellow out. 

I'll admit that I was a helicopter mom with my first. And ya know what? He is one secure kid. He figured out how to do the monkey bars and learned how to swing. He can talk to adults, and solve most of his issues. He taught himself how to do his scooter and has been working on skateboarding. I teach my kids to never give up no matter how long it takes. 

But enjoy that window that they want you to push them on the swing, or help them on the monkey bars. Pretty soon they will get it and have no need for you. Which obviously has its perks as well, but what I am saying it's a brief season in your life. I dont think there is anything wrong with giving your kids a little security when they are little. Now if they are a capable 8 year old and wanting you to carry them across the monkey bars, eye roll away and get back to your cellphone. I get it. 

The second reason why maybe that mom is coptering her kids at the playground is that she knows her kids better then anyone. Maybe one of her precious cherubs has been testing her all day, making some wrong choices, and Mama is now all done. Maybe they are Autistic or have some other delay or disability that you are completely unaware of, and they need to stay close. She knows her child better then you. Let's give some grace, ditch the eye roll, the judgement and remember we're all on the same team. 

Recently, I read a very popular blog where I think the title was “don't help my kids.” And again, I get her point. She wants to raise children who will figure it out on their own, who will be independent. But when I am at the playground with my 4 kiddos (and I will be coptering my 18 month old twins), and your 3 year old is in tears begging you to help and you ignore them and then they look at me begging for help. How can I not? What example is that for my children if I don't? 

In the end, no one's parenting style is exactly alike. Nor do any of us have it down perfectly. We still make mistakes and are learning our way in the toughest, most rewarding job in the world. 

Having 4 kids has changed the way I parent. I never have constantly entertained my children. But definitely after having twins, I did even less. I had not as much time that first year. They had to figure it out and play together. It strengthened their bond and they used their imagination more. They are now at the age where they can be in the yard without me and play. Everything happens in due time. And before I know it they will be driving. But it took me a little time, It just happens as they get older or as you add more children in the picture.You start to mellow, you have no choice really. I am not even phased when one my boys comes in with a skinned knee, or a big ol' bruise from some grand idea they had.  

So next time you see that anxious helicoptering mom at the play ground, let's remember that we're all different. We have all been the newbie parents. Remember she knows her child better than you. And in the end, we're all just trying to do the best we can. Lets stop furthering the divide between Mama's and give some extra grace to one another. I know I need it most days. 

Now stop reading and go play!

Mama Moments

Today was one of the worst mom mornings I have had in a long time. This morning we all woke up a little late, which in my house in unheard of. But the last two nights were late ones. Liam and I spent one night at minute clinic going for strep tests. Then last night while I was at church I get a text “you need to come home, Kellan shoved Legos up his nose and is freaking out, I think he needs to go to the ER.”  Awesome. Kellan is my four year old middle child.

Never a dull moment in the Kane household.

The funny thing is that these visits are starting to shock me less and less. If it were my first, I would be speeding home and oh so worried. I am realizing with the more kids you have, the more of a chance there is that any given day could be a day to go to the ER. I told Zak that we may need to move closer to Children’s Hospital. Oh, and yes - Kellan is just fine, one came out on his own and after much exploratory efforts by the doctor, they came to the conclusion that he must have swallowed the other. Only time will tell I suppose. ;)

My kids never sleep in. NEVER. So when they all did, we were thrown. (For the record sleeping in at our house is anything after 6:30am.)  Zak rushed off late to work. Normally, all three boys wake up at 5:30 am. Lucy, however, takes after her mother and likes to sleep in and wake up slowly. When Bennett wakes her up before she is ready, she in one unhappy little lady until she takes her nap. Lucy is my genetic defense for my own struggle in the morning. I tell Zak that I can't help it that I'm not a morning person, just look at Lucy. 

The struggle is real. 

Everything was just off this morning - crabby babies, the big boys goofing off and spilling their cereal in the process, and worst of all - low on milk, which meant no precious latte for me (I have issues). When told to go get dressed for school, the boys went in and proceeded to dump their toys around the room. As I walked in to check on them, I stepped on some Lego creation. Boy, do those things hurt! There are days I would like to ban Legos from my house forever. Especially after Kellan placed two up his nose. Legos are on my list. 

Babies raided the snack cupboard and made off with the raisins

Bennett on the table..again. They were busier than normal on this day. 

I lost it. I yelled at them to pick up and get dressed. I was just done. I think I may have grounded them from playing on the iPad for life. There weren't too many rational thoughts in my head or words coming out of my mouth. It was barely 8am and I felt like I had already failed as a mom. These are the moments that I am not proud of myself. These are the moments that I pray the kids don't remember more than our good moments. These are the moments that I wish I could rewind, walk away and take a breath and realize that what I felt was such a big deal, really isn't in the big picture. 

As we were walking out the door that morning, I stopped to tell Liam I was sorry for snapping at him. I said something like, these moments are not what I want, I don't want to be that kind of mom. He looked up at me and without hesitation he said, “You're the best Mom!!” and threw his arms around me. It made me remember what Lysa Terkust said - “Bad moments do not make bad Mamas.” They happen. We're human. Yes, I try to avoid them. I am learning how to navigate better when these moments do occur. I am starting to walk away and take breaths think about how I want to react.

A friend had sent me the book “The Hardest Peace.” On a Sunday afternoon I began to read it. I later found out that the day I started reading her words is the day she left this earth. Kara Tippetts, the author, had terminal cancer. But her book is not so much about cancer or about dying. It is about living - Truly being present in our lives, seeing the beauty. Life may not always be pretty, but there is always beauty. It's about faith and the grace God gives us during the hard moments. It was the perfect book to be reading on the day I was feeling like I was sucking at a momhood.

I read her book in a few days. Her words have left a permanent mark on me. On this day, I read this -

“The small moments have become enormous. The fire in the fireplace, the coffee in the mugs, the rib tickles, the learning to apply makeup, the singing out loud and off key-those are huge moments. Those are milestones”

Her book has reminded me to live in the present - to soak up the extra midnight snuggles with babies, to say yes more than I say no, and to find the beauty in each day, not waiting for the big moments to happen. They are happening right now, as you feed your babies, as you drive them to school. These are the big moments and every day really is a blessing.

I am far from perfect, and I will still have bad mama moments. But these moments do not define me.

I am thankful for the mama moments that I have been given. I am going to soak them up. In the book, each night she sits and takes a few minutes to rub her kids' feet and chat with them to really see their heart. I did something like this a while back. We call it “talking turns.” My Grandma had 5 kids and she did this at night with each of her kids. She gave an hour of her time each night to make sure her kids felt loved and valued as an individual.

Life was crazy the last few months and we stopped doing this. I started again this week, taking time with the boys. In those few moments to chat and pray with them and them alone. I truly see them, truly hear them. I pray that these are the moments they remember of their Mama - the times we chat about life, the talks we have over our morning Veggie Tales devotionals, our living room dance parties, all the fun we do have. The moments that seems so small to us, yet are so big to them.

"You will never have this day with your children again. Today is a gift. Breathe and notice. Study their little faces and feet. Relish the charms of the present. Enjoy today mama, it will be gone before you know it" -Jen Hatmaker

So enjoy your day, that amazing latte you have, the blue skies and the birds singing, the morning with your littles, sing loud in your car, or even car dance..yes, that's a thing in our family. Embrace the toys thrown across your living room and accept God's grace in the moments that we find ourselves exasperated and dry. Let's live in the moment and seize our day, for we never know how many we have. Let's make the moments count and be thankful.

“When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. How can this not be the best thing for this world? For us? The clouds open when we mouth thanks” -Ann Voskamp, One thousand gifts

Marriage. A forever winter?

 There are some days that I just want to escape. Not forever of course, but maybe a short stay in a cute B&B next to the ocean somewhere. Doesn't that sound magical? I just want to be alone. I want to hear the quiet - no music, no TV. Just  the sound of the ocean and a good book in my hand. I love my family and I have been actually trying to be home a little bit more than usual. I am a stay at home mom you say, aren't you home all the time? Monday through Friday, until Zak walks in the door, I am here with the kiddos.

We haven't been home all together as a family as much this last year. It was just one of those seasons. We had 2nd jobs and activities galore. We have been parenting in shifts, which is hard on everyone. Sure, we schedule family time, but we need to find our family's rhythm again, a new one,  and be home together more. 

A lot of this is due to about a year ago, my life fell apart, or at least I thought it did. Even just months ago, I wasn't sure that my marriage was going to make it. When all of this was first happening, I realized that I needed to get out of the house more. I needed time and quiet to think through my thoughts and feelings. This was nearly impossible when I was at home knee-deep in little twins, and busy 4 and 6 year olds. I began by making more time for friends, got myself signed up for therapy (about time, I say!), and got my butt to church more. I also had Noonday going on too. All of these things and the support of my mom and aunt is what kept me sane in a time where it would've been perfectly acceptable to go a little crazy. 

Every time I see this I cant help but laugh.

I have been unsure if I wanted to get this personal with the outside world. Marriage is always a tough one to let everyone in to see. It's complex and layered and has more issues than you can write about in one little blog. I do not have all the answers, nor do I know how to save your marriage. But I know what I have learned from this last year and I thought I would share a few things that I think are pretty important that I will carry into my future. 

Anyone that has been married for more than 5 whole minutes knows that marriage is hard, messy and not at all what we thought it was going to be like. Maybe in another blog I will share more in the details of what brought us to this point. But in a jist, 4 kids in 5 years, many moves, college, MBA, career changes, financial struggles, and my husband being diagnosed as bipolar. Left us not in the best place, as you can imagine.   

But there I was, still recovering from having twins, adapting to life with 4 littles, facing a broken marriage and trying to wrap my head around possibly being a single parent, a husband who had been just diagnosed with mental illness (bi-polar), and a mess of financial difficulties.

I felt like life had just sucker-punched me and I was left with the wind knocked out of me. I felt so alone. So discouraged. So overwhelmed. It all felt like too much. I remember saying that a lot, “this is just too much.” 

I felt so unseen by God.

But as my world came crumbling down, God began to start to build a new one. I didn't see it right away of course. But looking back, I see the foundation that he built. The people he sent into my life, even down to my therapist, whose life could relate to mine like no other therapist's could have. I built friendships with real women in my life. Ones who were honest and had a heart for God, but who were still genuine and funny, of course (that's a pre-requisite!!).

I started remembering who I was and who I wanted to be. Old dreams became new dreams and a fire for life was lit inside of me. My relationship with God began to grow and felt like he was there with me, leading me. Even though I wasn't sure where we were headed, I knew it was better then where I had been. Even though I wasn't sure what direction my marriage was going, I had a hope for my future whichever way it would go.

I found my confidence in God and not in my marriage, not in Zak. In doing so, it seems he took my sad, broken story and gave me a new one. God is stripping off my insecurities, my self hate, my fear of failing, and rewriting my story the way it should have been all along. My hope and faith are in him, whom shall I fear?

I just love this, and its on my Etsy list.

I enrolled in school, started a blog, started stepping out in faith and doing the things that have always scared me. I have dreams for life that the old me would've been too scared to dream, and I know he is just getting started.  

So in case you are out there feeling hopeless and alone, and not sure what to do next, I will share with you what I think saved me. 

• The best advice that I heard from my mom, therapist, and close friends was, “do not make a decisions about your marriage when you are in crisis” (and by the way, I never condone staying if any kind of abuse is occurring, that is never okay!!!). This advice was hard to hear when all I wanted to do was cut and run. I was tired of the hurt and I just wanted it to be over. I did not think my heart could change, I thought I was wasting time by waiting by staying. It was self-preservation at its finest. But I listened to this advice and took it one day at a time, and am so glad I did. Over time and consistent change in our marriage, my heart has changed, much to my amazement, and I have more hope for our marriage then I have ever had before. 

• 

• Life with littles is a self-sacrificing time - the needs to meet are great, and its for a season. But I think I needed to be reminded of who I am. Who God created me to be outside my mother and wife role. I had lost it a long the way. Having twins sent me right over the edge of no return. So I am so thankful for this last year and what it brought. Through this dark season, so much light came out of it. I am starting to get it now - sometimes he has to knock down the walls, sometimes he has to let us break because then he can rebuild the walls his way, the right way so we can walk into the purpose he has for our lives. He had to break my marriage and build it on a new foundation, one where medicine is involved. I joke, but in all seriousness, it has been part of what has given us a new beginning. Zak has never been happier and finally feels like himself. I can't imagine going through life never ever feeling right in your own skin. I think in the future, I will have Zak share more on his side and living with this for so long.
• Go to therapy. This was huge for me and I truly believe we could all benefit from a little counseling now and then. Zak and I have yet to go together, that will be our next step. But for now we go separately. That alone has helped us so much. It may take a few times to find the right therapist, don't give up. Call your church and ask them to recommend someone, or ask a friend. You'll probably be surprised that more of your friends are in therapy then you thought. I was. My dream would be for churches to hire therapists who work at the church and are available for those who can't afford it. It needs to be available to everyone. The stigma that surrounds therapy needs to stop. It really is there to help you work through things and live your best life. Who doesn't want that? I am starting to think that it is not the weak who go to therapy but the brave. It takes gumption to deal with those dusty corners you have left untouched, to make changes to behavior takes courage.  Take the step and just try it. 
• Pray for good friends. Reach out to your friends and make time for the relationships that matter. They make life so fun and help you laugh among your tears and encourage us in new adventures.
• Dream. Dreaming is important. Let yourself dream. Ask God to give you dreams for your life and see where it takes you. My new fav quote - “Only she who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible” -Dr. Linda Brodsky
• The theme of my life this last year is actually The MOPS theme, to “be you bravely”. I felt like this is something God has had me working on for a long time. To love and accept myself, to not limit and put down the way he created me. To stop worrying about what others think, and to run my own race. To just the best me I can. 

Hear I am nearly a year later from when my life felt like it was taking a nose dive and the future seemed bleak. I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving in my heart. I am loving life. I am so thankful for the amazing people God has put in my life. I am thankful for the things I get to do and be apart of. I am so very thankful for the family I have been given and the new start Zak and I have embarked on. We are more united then ever before and fighting like hell for our family and each other.  I am so thankful I waited during what felt like would be a forever winter and now we are here and Spring has sprung. There are still hard days and my heart likes to tell me “I told ya so,” but those are only moments and I try and keep my eyes on the big picture. I am listening less and less to that negative voice and claiming as my Pastor says the best is yet to come! 

Yes. No? Maybe So..

A few months ago I found myself exasperated over people being so non-committal to things in life. We live in a world that is run by technology; with less and less actual in-person communication. It seems too easy not to show up to things anymore - to not make time for the people in our lives.

Being an ambassador for Noonday, we partner with women and host shows. My heart breaks when I see hostesses get so excited to have a girls’ night with her friends and only a few actually show. She will still have a great show, but you can see the disappointment in her face. As much as she loves Noonday, this was also about a reason to get together with the ones she holds dear and connect. I get that life gets busy and maybe you can’t now. But let’s talk with each other and be honest and open. When did our yes start meaning “Maybe?” When did it start meaning “Only if I have time?”

I started to have an inner rant about this topic. This led to an outer rant that I forced my husband to listen to - I have many words, he becomes subjected to a great many of them. He for one is thankful I started a blog, a “good outlet” he calls it which is translation for “he gets to hear less of my words.” But as I went on in my rant and as I thought that I am so not like this, I would never do this…This was when ever so gently I felt God whisper to me “what about that book you promised your friend you would mail?” 

Oh ya, I’ve had it sitting right on the counter for about two weeks. I know she would love this book. I had good intentions but had not followed through.

“What about that coffee date you forgot to set up?”

“What about that book you promised Liam you were going to start?”

“What wedding you were invited to, you didn't even rsvp.”

And they kept on coming. I was quickly knocked off my high horse. Some were recent and some were from years ago. Most were unintentional. I am very forgetful and have to write everything down. But in reality that’s just an excuse, and in reality I’m still guilty of not keeping my word.  

I realized I’m not living at all the way I had thought I was. I was lacking follow-through in many areas and this is not who I want to be. This is not the representation of Christ I want to be. I had good intentions, really I did, but I let a busy life be an excuse to not keep my word. 

I felt embarrassed, but motivated to do something about it. 

So I decided to do a little experiment and actually follow-through with what I said I was going to do. Sounds simple and easy, doesn't it? 

I thought so too. But it was more complex. It had me examine areas of my life and taught me few lessons too.  My very first order of business was to mail my friend her book ASAP, and apologize for its tardiness. Going to the post office with a bunch of kids isn't ideal, but it wasn't nearly as big of a deal as I made it out to be. And ya know what? She loved that book and that made me so happy! 

If you haven't read this book, read it. 

My first real “test” so to speak was when a friend of mine was throwing a Harvest Party. I told her I would come early and help set up because her husband was out of town for business and she would need the extra help. Right on schedule, my children ended up sick and there was no way I was going to be able to bring them. As I was about to cancel and tell her I would not be there, I had that convicting feeling. 

I wanted to let my yes be yes. 

Now I get that life happens and kids get sick and there are times that there is nothing left to do but cancel. But I also think there are situations where we can figure out a way to make it work. I decided that I was going to go for at least an hour or so and help set up. My husband had to work that night and he was able to go in a little later for me. Fortunately this time, I was able to work it out. I showed up and helped with a few minor details. I know that I was not a huge help, but we had fun as we set up and gabbed about life on this beautiful harvest night before she was mobbed with little kids, neighbors, and friends. 

It felt good to show up, to be counted on. She gushed on how I helped her so much, (what can I say good friends lie). However, I do think she felt better. When you’re facing anything in your life, big or small, it’s always nice to face it with a friend by your side. 

I could go on and on with examples that happened in the weeks to followed. But who will stick around for that so here a few things I learned:

• I realized that when I kept my yes, good things usually happened. I may have not felt like going or the day may have been crazy and staying home would have been so much easier. But when we stop and make time for the people or causes in life, you give room for good things to happen. You meet new people, you learn something new, and friendships grow. We have to make time to keep investing in the friendships and the causes that we believe in.
• I learned not to over-commit so much. Because there was no excuse to back out of it if I said I was coming (unless, of course, there is an extreme emergency or a horrible ice storm – it’s MN and this is my line in the sand, people). If I had more then 2-3 things that week, I started saying no.  Or if I had a few days that were filled with back to back commitments, I made sure I had a few days after to recover. I am an introvert, I am outgoing, social and love people. But I need my quiet alone time to recharge. Saying “No” was so freeing to do. I get in that trap of over booking because I do not want to hurt feelings and I want to be able to do it all. I want to be easygoing and flexible. But I’m married with 4 kids, jobs galore, college, school, homework, nothing in my life is flexible. “No” felt good. And it’s honest. I can’t make everyone happy, and sometimes I can’t go. I have to disappoint others to keep my sanity and that’s ok. I sometimes suffer from the fear of missing out on things and that also causes me to overbook, but that fear leads me to my next point.
• I also started seeing where my priorities were; asking myself the question, “Do I really want to be going to this?” Is this where my energy and time is best served? Should I be a part of this? These questions actually helped Zak and I make some changes in our lives. There were some things that were not a right fit for us and taking up too much time away from each other and our kids. We needed to take a step back and reevaluate where our time was best spent, and where we should be. We have been working on creating a family mission statement for our family (idea from Rhinestone Jesus) we do not have it hung up yet (I need some pallet boards to create this… so if anyone needs some taken off your hands, let me know). But I love having a mission statement. If things in our life are starting pull us away from our goals for our family, then it is time to pause and pray about it, to evaluate it before we go forward. It’s too easy to get swept in on the business of life. Before we know it, we have forgotten about the things that are truly important to us. 
• Zak and I also started looking at our calendar and planning in advance and marking off "family only" nights. A few nights where where we are not allowed to schedule anything, where we are intentional about spending time as a family. We usually let the older boys stay up later and play a board game, or watch a new movie. 

Growing up, I went to a small private school - where it felt more like family than classmates and teachers. One of the dearest people in my life was my 3^rd grade teacher. Her name was Mrs. Heikes. All through high school, I would find myself in her room after school just talking about life. In the third grade, I would talk so much to my classmates that she would then move my desk next to hers. Soon enough, I would get her talking too and when she realized it she would just laugh. 

She was a wonderful teacher. But what she really taught me was never found in a book. She taught me about life and always had a story either to prove her point or make you laugh. She had the best laugh.  In. The. World. It was a robust laugh with a little snort at the end. She always gave it to you straight. She didn't play any games. She wasn't passive. She was a Yes/No person. There was no “maybe-so” with her. She is in heaven now. I miss her everyday and wish I could still drive over to her house and sit and chat with for hours. 

One of the stories she told me still comes to me every so often. One of her former students had invited her to a graduation party. She barely remembered the student. She even thought that she remembered the student disliking her. So she was baffled at the invite. But she decided to go. And when she arrived, this teenager was ecstatic over her being there. They went on about how Mrs. Heikes had made such an impact on their life and how it had made their day that she had come.  Mrs. Heikes had no clue. She told me with a chuckle how glad she was she decided to go. She said from that moment forward when invited to something like that, she always made a point to go.

Because you never know what it might mean to that person. 

Many years later on my wedding day, Mrs. Heikes was there. We laughed and hugged and had many pictures taken together. I was so happy that she was there to share in my special day. It would not have been the same without her. I used to see my name on her prayer list next to her Bible. I wanted the woman who prayed for me to be there on my special day. I am more normal then I should be because of people like her. 

About a month later, I found out that the very day of my wedding she and her amazing husband Chuck had received the news that she had terminal pancreatic cancer and had only had a short time to live. She had the best excuse to not make it to my wedding that day. I would've understood. But she lived out what she believed. She came to my wedding and she did it with a huge smile on her face. 

Showing up matters. It’s a gift to others at times. It requires sacrifice on our part. But so much good can come out of it. 

Mrs. Heikes and Chuck

Best. Laugh. Ever.

I still struggle with follow-through, with keeping my yes’s. This past January, I forgot to RSVP to two child birthday parties. And I have a baby gift that I have been meaning to run over to my neighbor since December. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. I know I am a forgetful person. I have not shown up in the past. I have let people down. But I forgive myself. I need grace for myself and for others too. I do believe that once we know better, that we can do better.  I want my friends to be able to count on me, to say that Gina shows up. I want my kids to know that when Mommy says “No,” it’s No. And when she says “Yes,” she always comes through. I want to boldly RSVP and keep my word. And if I know I can’t make it, than be honest and just say no. I want to walk the talk that I believe, and live better. 

Our lives will always be busy. We will have different seasons that require more of us. But through it all, let’s keep our word, whether Yes or No. 

No more Maybe So.