A Husband's View - A Challenge for Men

*Guest Post from "The Husband" - or as those in Philly would say, "Husbint"

Yesterday, Gina shared a post of our story. It was meant to be a post that would bring hope to those that may be in a similar situation as we were last year. We didn't imagine it being viewed and shared as much as it was.

In the last 24 hours, stories have poured in of couples that need healing. Most of these stories come from women that are longing for something more from their marriages. Many of these stories come from a place of helplessness, just as Gina had last summer. Their husbands' hearts have hardened. Their husbands won't do the things necessary to love the woman that they promised to take care of. 

Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from one husband. Which means that either men are being typical "men" and not asking for help or they are completely oblivious to the heart that they are breaking on a daily basis. 

So this one is for the men.

Guys - a few questions for starters -

Are you happy? Really...are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your life - your marriage, your career, your family, your purpose?

Next one - and this is harder - Is your wife happy? If yes, how do you know? Have you asked her? If no, why? And what are you doing about it?

Now some background...

Eleven years ago, I promised before family, friends, and God to love my wife until the day I died. Fast-forward 9 years, and I told that same woman that I was no longer in love with her. That I was broken and didn't think things could ever be fixed. I was unhappy, and thought that she was the source of that unhappiness. She was heartbroken and even though I apologized and said that it was only in the heat of the moment that I said it, she withdrew. She naturally didn't trust me with her heart and the innocence of our love had been violated. 

And now the REALLY not fun part

We struggled on, but the effect of that moment carried on for the next year. It culminated in me starting an emotional affair, and yet again telling my beautiful bride that I didn't want to be married anymore. That my feelings for her were dead. This time, it wasn't in the heat of the moment. It was real, and it was final. We started talking about the logistics of a divorce and how we would exist in a post-marriage life. We also decided that we would try to patch things up for a bit, if only for the kids' sake. 

What I didn't know is that Gina had a Holy Spirit fire in her at that moment. She decided that if our marriage was to be lost, it would not be without a fight. She bought me a book that I had never read - The Resolution for Men. 

Now, I hadn't historically read a lot of "Christian Inspiration" books. I might pick them up and read a few chapters and put them down only to gather dust. This one looked like it would be no exception. I decided that I would browse through it and read just enough to be able to answer a few questions that Gina might ask. I certainly didn't expect that it would rock my world.

The opening stories in the book involve a perspective on legacy. It outlines how one decision of a man changed his legacy from one of heartache and destitution to one of success, love, and joy. And he changed it not just for himself, but for his children and his childrens' children. It broke me. What legacy was I leaving? If I made this decision, how would it affect me, my kids, and my grandkids? The gravity of the situation increased. It wasn't about me and Gina, it was about our generations.

I continued reading the book and was constantly challenged by the philosophies of leadership, of self-control, of love. Still, I made it about me. It was about improving ME instead of improving my home. 

About the night that Gina mentioned in her blog...

We were coming to a close of our Cape May adventure that we both thought would be our last family vacation. Gina asked about the future, and I couldn't answer. I tore off from our campsite and simply said that I needed time to think. She was worried. My family was worried. Even I was worried. I was sitting on a park bench in the beautiful little area around Cape May's outdoor mall. One bench over was a man sleeping on it. As clearly as I've ever heard God speak, I heard "you can either let your bad experiences ruin you, or you can let them shape you into the man I want you to be." I sat there weeping for a long while. I decided then that I would let all the bad of the past shape me and mold me, however painfully, into a man of legacy instead of ruin.

I bought a small wooden sign that we saw earlier in the day. It said "Cape May is my Happy Place." I still look at that sign almost every day. It reminds me of that night. That moment. 

All of the changes didn't happen overnight. Like sharpening an old rusted blade, the process took time. But over the next two months, we fixed it. It took humility on both sides. We both apologized a LOT. By the time we hopped on a flight to Paris, it was evident that neither of us was going anywhere. That we'd stay and fight for our marriage. It's worth every minute of effort. I have the love of my life. And (most days) she has hers :)

Men, if you've read this far, or if you read nothing but this paragraph, here's my advice and key points:

• Your happiness does not reside in another woman
• Your happiness does not reside as a single person (if you're currently married)
• Your "feelings" will lie to you. Often. 
• If your marriage isn't a happy place - It is likely your fault.

Yes, you read that right. Your fault. Chances are, your wife is begging you on the inside to be the man she married. Everything she says to you, every time she's frustrated with you, every time she gives you a hard time -- That's her outward way of trying to push you to step up and be the man of her dreams. Be that man. You can do it. In fact, I DARE you to do it. See, I've found that when women tell a man to be a man, she's seen as a nag (or worse); when a man tells another man to step up - it's a challenge...and men LOVE a good challenge.

Remember when you first were dating? Remember nights out and long talks? Remember showering and dressing up for those nights? Do you still do that? Do you still love her and SHOW that you love her? Because guess what - if you don't, another man will. And if you've neglected your wife, chances are, you'll do it to the next one. 

Fix it. Your moment is now. Your legacy or your ruin can begin today. I dare you to step up and be the man that you KNOW you are. You ARE strong. You ARE capable. You CAN do this. It won't be easy, but when has anything worth having EVER come easily? 

The mess becomes the message.

Friday the 16^th marked our 11th wedding anniversary! How crazy is that? This year, we took some time to reflect on the last year; how we got here, and how far God has brought us. We both felt that it was about time to share more of our story.

For us, this anniversary felt more special than our 10^th. This one carried more depth and more meaning for us. I dare say it almost felt like a first for us.

See - a little over a year ago, we had a bomb dropped in our marriage. This was just months after a previous bomb had been dealt with (see previous blog - "Forever Winter"), and we had bandaged up and carried on. As my wounds were finally beginning to heal, my husband’s were unravelling. Mental illness did not help him and some poor choices were made.

It’s his story. It’s my story. It’s our story. I don’t need to share all the gritty details to get my point across. There is something in sharing with you that can be so freeing. Sometimes, to share the amazing things God has done in our lives, you have to share the not-so-great things that have happened. There are things the devil wants us to be ashamed about and hide; so we keep what God did a secret, so we can keep our pride.

Our stories, our messes, and the restoration that only God can do is what we need share more of.

Our marriage was shattered. Our hearts were broken. And it seemed like it was over. I had numbers of lawyers to call. It was really happening. It felt surreal. And I wondered how we got here. I knew how, but it felt so unfair. My heart finally was ready to love and trust again, and his heart was closed. 

After this bomb had been dropped and after much discussion, we decided we should “try again.” But it seemed half-hearted; an “I owe it to you” kind of try. I wasn’t sure what direction we would end up going.

In this time of uncertainty and heartbreak, I had peace that I had never felt. This was a peace that “passed all understanding.” It was a “be still and know that I am God” moment. In all my days forward, I will never forget it. This did not mean I was upbeat and sunshine and roses. I still had days where all I could do was cry and moments that the sadness seemed too much. I was mourning what was, what could’ve been, and the loss of my best friend.

The peace I had was in knowing that God was with me and either way I was going to be okay. I had my close girlfriends praying hard. I had my mom and mother-in-law praying. It was war. I fought hard in prayer for my marriage. We had come out of so much to lose it here. We still loved each other, we may not be able to fix this but God could.

And you know what? He did. He showed up big time.

We were on our way out east for a family road trip to visit my husband’s family. Because why not pack up four small kids and trek across the country when your husband is a little manic and your marriage is hanging on by a thread?! Sounds like a perfectly good idea.

I had started to see some changes and glimmers of hope in our marriage before we left. A few weeks earlier we were sent some amazing books (The Resolution For Men, and the Resolution for Women) and they were really giving us some great perspective. Zak couldn’t put his book down. We would stay up late talking about our new revelations.

The trip actually went surprisingly smooth. I think in the back of our minds we thought this might be our last family trip, so let’s make it a good one. We had time to talk, cry, and laugh. We were in the moment. We avoided talk about the future as much as we could. Towards the end of our trip one late night, all I can share is that God got a hold of my husband. There was much crying, hugging, apologies, and healing that happened that night. Walls were torn down, and we were set on a new path. God changed me too. He softened my heart and we were healed and restored in a way that only God can do. Since that day, our marriage has never felt the same as before. Maybe that should be our new anniversary.

So much restoration has happened in this last year; not just in our marriage, but in our finances, in our family, and in ourselves. I believe God is not even close to being done yet and is just getting started with us. We both have the marriage that our hearts had been wanting for so many years. God has been so good and faithful to us.

We spent our 11th anniversary with our kids and had a special family night at the Mall of America at Build-A-Bear –something the kids have wanted to do in forever and we always said no, or someday. So it was fun to surprise them with a special night. A few days later, we went and celebrated. It was my husband’s turn to plan and all he told me it would be like a day in Paris. So I wore the dress I bought for Paris the previous year but didn’t get to wear due to weather. We had an amazing lunch out, a glass of wine that reminded us of our honeymoon in Napa. We talked, dreamed, planned, and prayed about our life together.  We then went to the Minnesota Institute of Art, visited the Monet exhibit and took in some beauty. It was a beautiful day and I look forward to many more.

Off to celebrate our anniversary 

I wish I could leave with you with 5 easy steps to fix your marriage, but I can’t. All I know is that I think we need to fight for our marriage every day. You both need to be all in, trying to out-give and out-love the other. Your feelings are not always your truth, prayer is your most powerful tool, and that there is always hope. Always. Hope in our God - you may not be able to fix your marriage, but he can. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but he can. Never stop seeking him - don’t get too comfy, don’t settle for less, pray hard for each other, for your children. God is in the restoration business. It’s what he does, and has been doing since Genesis. Let him in your heart and your home and see what he can change - seek his face and in the end you will be okay no matter what.

Everyone Starts Somewhere

Everyone Starts Somewhere...

Ok. So. Several months ago, I joined the gym. Yes, and actual GYM, people! You may notice that my posts have an ongoing theme - Start Somewhere - Just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you should do nothing. I think this is true in many areas of our lives. 

The gym is my latest adventure in “showing up.”

I had tried joining a smaller gym the previous year and it was a disaster. Bennett and Lucy would cry the entire time. I got about 15 minutes of being there the workers would summon be back. I tried working out at home. That was a disaster as well. If it wasn’t the kids interrupting me, it was the needy dog and cat. At home I find too many distractions not to get to my work out.

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who work out at home and are kill’n it. It’s doable. It just wasn’t my jam. So here I am. To me joining the gym still feels like a luxury. We have never been able to afford to go until recently. I think treating it like a privilege motivates me to get there as well. 

Honestly, I found I need an instructor motivating me to push myself or I just slack the whole time.  

When I began at the gym, all I did was the elliptical machine, first for 30 minutes and then went up to 40-45 min. I did that for a while. Even though the scale didn’t move much, I could feel my stamina increasing and myself getting stronger. This journey isn’t about the scale for me. I’m done with the fad diets and starvation. 

I am done with the unsustainable. 

This time, I want to see what my body does if I exercise AND eat healthy, but balanced. Im going to still have cake at my children's birthdays, and there will be chocolate. This time it really has become a lifestyle for me. I have now been working out for about 5 months, 5 days every week. I have lost some weight, but less than I thought. But I have lost inches and all of my clothes fit better. Some are even getting big on me! 

I feel like this journey has layers. First, it was sleep and improving my nutrition. Then just basically showing up at the gym. Then I started taking the classes they offered. I’ve done some fun runs and I just did a 5k today. My goal was to just keep running, jogging, or wogging as my friend calls it.  Who knows what the next layer will be to bring me closer to my goal. 

I am still learning how to eat differently. I still find the classes challenging. In the beginning, I was so intimidated and too self-conscious to do the classes. It was a “live brave” moment for me! Working out in front of others is hard enough and then to do classes where its all unknown...

But this is where I’ve found the most support. I have encouraging instructors and friends who meet me there regularly. I have have found it humbling as well. I have been the girl who has literally hit her face on the floor doing push ups. I have dry-heaved into a wastebasket after trying a heated class that had to be at least 95 degrees. I have fallen, tripped, had my shoelace stuck in my bike, and been so sore that I considered buying padded toilet seats. True story. 

I have found what works for me and what doesn’t. But if you’re worried about embarrassing yourself, don’t worry I am already out there doing that for you, come join me! 

It’s green eggs and ham. You may be surprised what you like, and how much support is really out there. I was. I have a magnet on my fridge that I read every day - “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” - Neale Donald Walsch. The more I do that and live that way, the more true it becomes. The more alive I feel, the more I learn and laugh. 

Always laugh. 

I think the biggest fight we women face is comparison. But this is YOUR journey. Every body is different. Some can eat horribly and rarely work out and have a 6 pack. I don’t know why this is. I don’t get it either. Life isn’t fair. You can only worry about your own journey, do what you can, and ultimately accept who you are. 

This is still a challenge for me. I have to remind myself daily not to compare and focus on my own path. Every workout I still have to tell myself not to compare - not to wish I was like this or that. I remind myself that the only person I am competing against is myself. I have goals -  realistic ones for my body. This time, as I am on the healthy lifestyle route, I am finding more and more that this is all about peace with myself, accepting who I am and owning it and loving it. Life is too short to avoid putting on that swimsuit and getting out with your kids, to be able to go on that bike ride, and hike to see that sunset. It may not be easy, but its worth it. 

My Pastor years ago wrote a book called “Change Before You Have To.” It’s a great read and I recommend it. That’s what I am trying to do here. Change before something serious happened, I want to live knowing I gave it my best shot. I want to be a good example to my kids and especially my daughter. I want them to strive for health not skinny, not unattainable standards society has put on us.

These last few months have taught me a lot too. I am stronger, braver, and more capable than I think I am. I no longer feel tired all the time. I am more active with my kids. Kellan has become my bike ride companion. Liam has joined me on runs. And the twins love to go on walks with me. Taking care of myself more has made me a better mom, wife, and even friend. I am still on my journey. I am not where I want to be. But I am not where I was and I’m excited to see where I will be in the next 5 months. You may not be ready for a 5k, but start somewhere. Say yes for you, and see where it will take you! 

PS. I really love Julie Morris and her cook books link here-http://www.juliemorris.net/