Change your place, Change your pace, Change your perspective.

Greece. Change your place, change your pace, change your perspective. 

Fresh off the plane from a 10-day trip to Thessaloniki, Greece and Cyprus. The jetlag is kicking in and I have been awake since 3;30am am. I decided to stop fighting it and get up and make good use of my time. I will be drinking ALL the coffee today. There are so many things I want to share with you from this trip…so many stories. My prayer is always God uses my blog for his glory, and I pray it stirs something in my readers. 

“Change your place, change your pace, change your perspective” was heard many times from our missionary leader in Greece. It was one of the first things he spoke to us and as the days went on, the truth of those words rang in my ears. 

We began in Thessaloniki with the “Walk for Freedom” with the A21 Campaign. A21 fights human trafficking. This was one of the reason this trip tugged at my heart. I will never forget the day 9 years ago when I first learned about human trafficking, I will never forget that there are more in slavery today than ever before. That there are over 27 million in slavery and 2 million of those are children. The average victim is 12 years old. Of those numbers, only 1-2% are ever rescued. 

These statistics are not ok. They break my heart. But as Christine Caine has said, compassion is action. I can’t just feel bad about it and do nothing. I support groups like A21 and IJM, using my time, talent, and money as I am able. I have gone to Washington DC to lobby for change. It’s easy to think that this is some other country’s problem. But it’s happening in your own backyard, in your city.  

As we walked the streets to bring awareness to human trafficking, I prayed for Thessaloniki; that more are found, more are rescued, and more operations are shut down. After the walk was over, we were approached by a small girl, maybe 6 or 7, asking for money. She had a big scar on her face that almost looked like it was from a burn. There was something in her eyes that seemed so far off to me, almost dead…like she wasn’t there. We were informed that there are many children there that they are basically trafficked to beg for money. They injure or hurt them to gain more sympathy. Even though I know these things occur, seeing it, seeing her, broke me. The enemy is so pathetic that he goes after the innocent and the vulnerable. 

We spent one day in Greece, then headed to Cyprus. If you’re like me, you don’t really know anything about Cyprus. I assumed it was part of Greece. But I was mistaken. I quickly learned that the people of Cyprus feel like they live in a forgotten country. The island is divided with a North and South side created by a painful history of invasion and memories of violence and war. 

We spoke to many who were there, or remembered what happened to their grandparents. There is so much hurt and division. I can't help but think that satan is not too creative. It's the same lie of hate and division he has spread throughout time. It's the same spirit of hate that lives along with fear and creates division with war, racism, and politics. The North side is Muslim and the south is Greek Orthodox. It feels like two different countries. We walked the north side and heard stories of the past, feeling the oppression and the loss. The history seems complex and everyone we spoke to seemed to have a different version of the troubling story. 

Flag of the North side on the mountain

Walking the North side

A sign we saw in Greece. 

A sign that sits near the borders. 

At one point, the missionary leaders told us some of the history. He spoke a little of the refugees and I will never forget his words. As Christians we have often prayed to reach the unreachable in the places that will never have a chance to hear about Jesus. I remember as a kid growing up in church, hearing from missionaries and having our church pray for the unreachable. In a way, our prayers are being answered. They are showing up on our shores in the thousands. I wonder how many people who prayed those prayers are now saying “No Vacancy Here.” People are broken, weary, and looking for something more. This is our moment to embrace them, to be Jesus to them, and be the kind of Christians that will be impactful in reaching out to them. Let’s not build walls, and shut our doors. Let’s show them the love of Jesus. 

While we were on Cyprus some of us helped out with some construction projects. Some of us went onto the College campus to get to know the culture and really just build relationships. That is how our missionaries work. They “do life” with the people they are trying to reach. At first I was a little nervous to just walk up to complete strangers and start a conversation. The Lord knows I can talk and have more words than necessary. But getting the ball rolling seemed awkward to me at first. 

I decided to embrace the awkward. And it went better than I expected. 

It was fascinating to talk with others - to hear how they viewed us, what their family dynamic and views of religion are like. My favorites to talk with were the freshman girls. My mama heart just went out to them. The first year in school, away from home, trying to figure out what you want to do for school. I remember those years, and the excitement and yet the feeling of being lost. 

My favorite question to ask them was “what would be your dream job, if you could do anything in the world?” I loved to see their faces light up as they talked about what they wanted to do and where they wanted to live. See, they may be halfway across the world and seem so different, but really they aren’t that different from us. They have hopes, dreams, and ideas. And they have a longing for something more. One of the things our missionary said was that it may not seem like a big thing talking with people, but he challenged us to ask their names and pray for them…you may be the only person who ever says a prayer for them. That made an impact on me. I know the power of prayer, how it has shaped me, and I am here and who I am because of the prayers that were said for me.

Some of the new friends we made! 

On this trip there was a verse that really stuck out to me found in Psalms 51;12 “Restore the Joy of my salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit.” 

This is what God did for me on this trip, I have always been glad I know Jesus and thankful for what he did for me. But I have forgotten what a privilege I have that I live in a place where I have always known his name and that I will not be persecuted for my faith; or disowned by my family and friends if I choose to follow Jesus. I know that life is better with Jesus and that there is healing with him. That he can heal and restore when we do not see a way. What is impossible for us is possible for him. 

I’ve seen this firsthand in my life and especially in my marriage. 

It’s hard to see a way for reconciliation between the two sides of Cyprus. But I know with Jesus all things are possible. I have a new joy of my salvation. I pray for a willing spirit. A willing spirit not just in what we view to be the big things, but in the small things as well. A willing spirt amongst the mundane days of my life; in stopping to talk with people, in building relationships, in listening to that small voice to stop and pray or helping others. 

See, I always thought my heart was global. My prayer has always been to let my heart break for what breaks God’s. But I came home with my heart being more missional. I need to live in a way that brings light to others and remember that every moment can matter. We can do that right here, every day. 

Coincidentally, on my first day home I was back at my Target (my second home). The cashier commented on how she hasn’t seen me for a while. This is when you realize you are here too much. In my defense, I often come with as a party of 5 and we seem to be a memorable group. But today I learned that she was from Syria and she still has a sister and most of her family there. We talked briefly about church and about war. My kids asked me in front of her, “Is this your friend, mom?” “She is now,” I said. 

I see her there all the time. She works a lot. I will be choosing her line more and keep that conversation going. My heart breaks for her - being torn from your world, leaving family behind. The verse Psalms 51:12-13 goes on to say that “Restore the joy of my salvation, and give me a willing spirit. Then I will teach the rebellious your ways and the sinners will return to you.”

We have divine appointments all around us. Our interactions each day affect those around us. I pray I keep that boldness, exude the joy of my Jesus, and that my eyes and ears are open each day to those around me. 

I had one other cool thing I have to share as well…

On our last day, we were back in Thessaloniki. We drove out to Philippi, the ancient city you can read about in Acts 16. It’s one of my favorite stories in the Bible - when Paul and Silas are thrown into jail. There was an earthquake and they could have walked right out. But instead, they bring the guard to faith. Again our missionary with gave us some great perspective in this story.

In later chapters, Paul goes on and when stopped again he uses his Roman citizenship to help him. What’s interesting is that he could have done that in  the Philippi situation as well. But he did not. He chose to be beaten, broken, and jailed for the glory of God. He said that sometimes we have to lay down our rights or privilege for others to see God or for others to come to faith. I love when you can read the Bible your whole life and never see it like that. 

As we walked through what was once the marketplace in Philippi, I had the strongest feeling of Déjà vu; like nothing I have ever had. Then I remembered the dream I had many months ago, when going to Greece was just a small thought in my head. I had a dream that I was walking through ruins with people I did not know. In my dream, I was worried about snakes. I wasn’t afraid, though. I remember thinking it was an odd dream. I wrote it in my journal and thought maybe I was supposed to go to Greece. That moment walking through, I had been there before. The worry of snakes came from the children we were with who kept saying they had seen snakes there. 

Indiana Jones and I have the same phobia. I hate snakes. 

I have no idea why I dreamed of that moment, or what it all means. But for me, it was just a confirmation that I was supposed to be on this trip. 

The River Valley global team at Philippi

The place where Paul was taken captive, go re read Acts 16! Pretty amazing. 

Walking the ruins of Phillipi

One of the guys on our trip said that “Cyprus and Greece were now tattooed on his heart.” I think that is true for all of us. I will never forget the forgotten country, the faces I met, or the stories I heard. I will not forget the modern day apostles I met and the love of Jesus I saw on their faces. I will never forget their willing spirits and the obedience they have in following Jesus. To me they are heroes and I was honored to spend a few days with them. I will never forget the power of prayer or how it felt when praying and worshiping God in a dark place. I will never forget the people on my trip and how God wove together everyone to be there. This trip changed lives within our group. 

So if you’ve been on the fence about going on a trip, I encourage you to just go - change your place, change your pace, change your perspective. 

Such an amazing group of people, loved our team!

Had to share this pic too, the beautiful shores of Cyprus. I have a story to share about this too but that will have to be for another blog. 

Change your place, Change your pace, Change your perspective.

Greece. Change your place, change your pace, change your perspective. 

Fresh off the plane from a 10-day trip to Thessaloniki, Greece and Cyprus. The jetlag is kicking in and I have been awake since 3;30am am. I decided to stop fighting it and get up and make good use of my time. I will be drinking ALL the coffee today. There are so many things I want to share with you from this trip…so many stories. My prayer is always God uses my blog for his glory, and I pray it stirs something in my readers. 

“Change your place, change your pace, change your perspective” was heard many times from our missionary leader in Greece. It was one of the first things he spoke to us and as the days went on, the truth of those words rang in my ears. 

We began in Thessaloniki with the “Walk for Freedom” with the A21 Campaign. A21 fights human trafficking. This was one of the reason this trip tugged at my heart. I will never forget the day 9 years ago when I first learned about human trafficking, I will never forget that there are more in slavery today than ever before. That there are over 27 million in slavery and 2 million of those are children. The average victim is 12 years old. Of those numbers, only 1-2% are ever rescued. 

These statistics are not ok. They break my heart. But as Christine Caine has said, compassion is action. I can’t just feel bad about it and do nothing. I support groups like A21 and IJM, using my time, talent, and money as I am able. I have gone to Washington DC to lobby for change. It’s easy to think that this is some other country’s problem. But it’s happening in your own backyard, in your city.  

As we walked the streets to bring awareness to human trafficking, I prayed for Thessaloniki; that more are found, more are rescued, and more operations are shut down. After the walk was over, we were approached by a small girl, maybe 6 or 7, asking for money. She had a big scar on her face that almost looked like it was from a burn. There was something in her eyes that seemed so far off to me, almost dead…like she wasn’t there. We were informed that there are many children there that they are basically trafficked to beg for money. They injure or hurt them to gain more sympathy. Even though I know these things occur, seeing it, seeing her, broke me. The enemy is so pathetic that he goes after the innocent and the vulnerable. 

We spent one day in Greece, then headed to Cyprus. If you’re like me, you don’t really know anything about Cyprus. I assumed it was part of Greece. But I was mistaken. I quickly learned that the people of Cyprus feel like they live in a forgotten country. The island is divided with a North and South side created by a painful history of invasion and memories of violence and war. 

We spoke to many who were there, or remembered what happened to their grandparents. There is so much hurt and division. I can't help but think that satan is not too creative. It's the same lie of hate and division he has spread throughout time. It's the same spirit of hate that lives along with fear and creates division with war, racism, and politics. The North side is Muslim and the south is Greek Orthodox. It feels like two different countries. We walked the north side and heard stories of the past, feeling the oppression and the loss. The history seems complex and everyone we spoke to seemed to have a different version of the troubling story. 

Flag of the North side on the mountain

Walking the North side

A sign we saw in Greece. 

A sign that sits near the borders. 

At one point, the missionary leaders told us some of the history. He spoke a little of the refugees and I will never forget his words. As Christians we have often prayed to reach the unreachable in the places that will never have a chance to hear about Jesus. I remember as a kid growing up in church, hearing from missionaries and having our church pray for the unreachable. In a way, our prayers are being answered. They are showing up on our shores in the thousands. I wonder how many people who prayed those prayers are now saying “No Vacancy Here.” People are broken, weary, and looking for something more. This is our moment to embrace them, to be Jesus to them, and be the kind of Christians that will be impactful in reaching out to them. Let’s not build walls, and shut our doors. Let’s show them the love of Jesus. 

While we were on Cyprus some of us helped out with some construction projects. Some of us went onto the College campus to get to know the culture and really just build relationships. That is how our missionaries work. They “do life” with the people they are trying to reach. At first I was a little nervous to just walk up to complete strangers and start a conversation. The Lord knows I can talk and have more words than necessary. But getting the ball rolling seemed awkward to me at first. 

I decided to embrace the awkward. And it went better than I expected. 

It was fascinating to talk with others - to hear how they viewed us, what their family dynamic and views of religion are like. My favorites to talk with were the freshman girls. My mama heart just went out to them. The first year in school, away from home, trying to figure out what you want to do for school. I remember those years, and the excitement and yet the feeling of being lost. 

My favorite question to ask them was “what would be your dream job, if you could do anything in the world?” I loved to see their faces light up as they talked about what they wanted to do and where they wanted to live. See, they may be halfway across the world and seem so different, but really they aren’t that different from us. They have hopes, dreams, and ideas. And they have a longing for something more. One of the things our missionary said was that it may not seem like a big thing talking with people, but he challenged us to ask their names and pray for them…you may be the only person who ever says a prayer for them. That made an impact on me. I know the power of prayer, how it has shaped me, and I am here and who I am because of the prayers that were said for me.

Some of the new friends we made! 

On this trip there was a verse that really stuck out to me found in Psalms 51;12 “Restore the Joy of my salvation to me, and give me a willing spirit.” 

This is what God did for me on this trip, I have always been glad I know Jesus and thankful for what he did for me. But I have forgotten what a privilege I have that I live in a place where I have always known his name and that I will not be persecuted for my faith; or disowned by my family and friends if I choose to follow Jesus. I know that life is better with Jesus and that there is healing with him. That he can heal and restore when we do not see a way. What is impossible for us is possible for him. 

I’ve seen this firsthand in my life and especially in my marriage. 

It’s hard to see a way for reconciliation between the two sides of Cyprus. But I know with Jesus all things are possible. I have a new joy of my salvation. I pray for a willing spirit. A willing spirit not just in what we view to be the big things, but in the small things as well. A willing spirt amongst the mundane days of my life; in stopping to talk with people, in building relationships, in listening to that small voice to stop and pray or helping others. 

See, I always thought my heart was global. My prayer has always been to let my heart break for what breaks God’s. But I came home with my heart being more missional. I need to live in a way that brings light to others and remember that every moment can matter. We can do that right here, every day. 

Coincidentally, on my first day home I was back at my Target (my second home). The cashier commented on how she hasn’t seen me for a while. This is when you realize you are here too much. In my defense, I often come with as a party of 5 and we seem to be a memorable group. But today I learned that she was from Syria and she still has a sister and most of her family there. We talked briefly about church and about war. My kids asked me in front of her, “Is this your friend, mom?” “She is now,” I said. 

I see her there all the time. She works a lot. I will be choosing her line more and keep that conversation going. My heart breaks for her - being torn from your world, leaving family behind. The verse Psalms 51:12-13 goes on to say that “Restore the joy of my salvation, and give me a willing spirit. Then I will teach the rebellious your ways and the sinners will return to you.”

We have divine appointments all around us. Our interactions each day affect those around us. I pray I keep that boldness, exude the joy of my Jesus, and that my eyes and ears are open each day to those around me. 

I had one other cool thing I have to share as well…

On our last day, we were back in Thessaloniki. We drove out to Philippi, the ancient city you can read about in Acts 16. It’s one of my favorite stories in the Bible - when Paul and Silas are thrown into jail. There was an earthquake and they could have walked right out. But instead, they bring the guard to faith. Again our missionary with gave us some great perspective in this story.

In later chapters, Paul goes on and when stopped again he uses his Roman citizenship to help him. What’s interesting is that he could have done that in  the Philippi situation as well. But he did not. He chose to be beaten, broken, and jailed for the glory of God. He said that sometimes we have to lay down our rights or privilege for others to see God or for others to come to faith. I love when you can read the Bible your whole life and never see it like that. 

As we walked through what was once the marketplace in Philippi, I had the strongest feeling of Déjà vu; like nothing I have ever had. Then I remembered the dream I had many months ago, when going to Greece was just a small thought in my head. I had a dream that I was walking through ruins with people I did not know. In my dream, I was worried about snakes. I wasn’t afraid, though. I remember thinking it was an odd dream. I wrote it in my journal and thought maybe I was supposed to go to Greece. That moment walking through, I had been there before. The worry of snakes came from the children we were with who kept saying they had seen snakes there. 

Indiana Jones and I have the same phobia. I hate snakes. 

I have no idea why I dreamed of that moment, or what it all means. But for me, it was just a confirmation that I was supposed to be on this trip. 

The River Valley global team at Philippi

The place where Paul was taken captive, go re read Acts 16! Pretty amazing. 

Walking the ruins of Phillipi

One of the guys on our trip said that “Cyprus and Greece were now tattooed on his heart.” I think that is true for all of us. I will never forget the forgotten country, the faces I met, or the stories I heard. I will not forget the modern day apostles I met and the love of Jesus I saw on their faces. I will never forget their willing spirits and the obedience they have in following Jesus. To me they are heroes and I was honored to spend a few days with them. I will never forget the power of prayer or how it felt when praying and worshiping God in a dark place. I will never forget the people on my trip and how God wove together everyone to be there. This trip changed lives within our group. 

So if you’ve been on the fence about going on a trip, I encourage you to just go - change your place, change your pace, change your perspective. 

Such an amazing group of people, loved our team!

Had to share this pic too, the beautiful shores of Cyprus. I have a story to share about this too but that will have to be for another blog. 

A Husband's View - A Challenge for Men

*Guest Post from "The Husband" - or as those in Philly would say, "Husbint"

Yesterday, Gina shared a post of our story. It was meant to be a post that would bring hope to those that may be in a similar situation as we were last year. We didn't imagine it being viewed and shared as much as it was.

In the last 24 hours, stories have poured in of couples that need healing. Most of these stories come from women that are longing for something more from their marriages. Many of these stories come from a place of helplessness, just as Gina had last summer. Their husbands' hearts have hardened. Their husbands won't do the things necessary to love the woman that they promised to take care of. 

Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from one husband. Which means that either men are being typical "men" and not asking for help or they are completely oblivious to the heart that they are breaking on a daily basis. 

So this one is for the men.

Guys - a few questions for starters -

Are you happy? Really...are you happy? Are you fulfilled in your life - your marriage, your career, your family, your purpose?

Next one - and this is harder - Is your wife happy? If yes, how do you know? Have you asked her? If no, why? And what are you doing about it?

Now some background...

Eleven years ago, I promised before family, friends, and God to love my wife until the day I died. Fast-forward 9 years, and I told that same woman that I was no longer in love with her. That I was broken and didn't think things could ever be fixed. I was unhappy, and thought that she was the source of that unhappiness. She was heartbroken and even though I apologized and said that it was only in the heat of the moment that I said it, she withdrew. She naturally didn't trust me with her heart and the innocence of our love had been violated. 

And now the REALLY not fun part

We struggled on, but the effect of that moment carried on for the next year. It culminated in me starting an emotional affair, and yet again telling my beautiful bride that I didn't want to be married anymore. That my feelings for her were dead. This time, it wasn't in the heat of the moment. It was real, and it was final. We started talking about the logistics of a divorce and how we would exist in a post-marriage life. We also decided that we would try to patch things up for a bit, if only for the kids' sake. 

What I didn't know is that Gina had a Holy Spirit fire in her at that moment. She decided that if our marriage was to be lost, it would not be without a fight. She bought me a book that I had never read - The Resolution for Men. 

Now, I hadn't historically read a lot of "Christian Inspiration" books. I might pick them up and read a few chapters and put them down only to gather dust. This one looked like it would be no exception. I decided that I would browse through it and read just enough to be able to answer a few questions that Gina might ask. I certainly didn't expect that it would rock my world.

The opening stories in the book involve a perspective on legacy. It outlines how one decision of a man changed his legacy from one of heartache and destitution to one of success, love, and joy. And he changed it not just for himself, but for his children and his childrens' children. It broke me. What legacy was I leaving? If I made this decision, how would it affect me, my kids, and my grandkids? The gravity of the situation increased. It wasn't about me and Gina, it was about our generations.

I continued reading the book and was constantly challenged by the philosophies of leadership, of self-control, of love. Still, I made it about me. It was about improving ME instead of improving my home. 

About the night that Gina mentioned in her blog...

We were coming to a close of our Cape May adventure that we both thought would be our last family vacation. Gina asked about the future, and I couldn't answer. I tore off from our campsite and simply said that I needed time to think. She was worried. My family was worried. Even I was worried. I was sitting on a park bench in the beautiful little area around Cape May's outdoor mall. One bench over was a man sleeping on it. As clearly as I've ever heard God speak, I heard "you can either let your bad experiences ruin you, or you can let them shape you into the man I want you to be." I sat there weeping for a long while. I decided then that I would let all the bad of the past shape me and mold me, however painfully, into a man of legacy instead of ruin.

I bought a small wooden sign that we saw earlier in the day. It said "Cape May is my Happy Place." I still look at that sign almost every day. It reminds me of that night. That moment. 

All of the changes didn't happen overnight. Like sharpening an old rusted blade, the process took time. But over the next two months, we fixed it. It took humility on both sides. We both apologized a LOT. By the time we hopped on a flight to Paris, it was evident that neither of us was going anywhere. That we'd stay and fight for our marriage. It's worth every minute of effort. I have the love of my life. And (most days) she has hers :)

Men, if you've read this far, or if you read nothing but this paragraph, here's my advice and key points:

• Your happiness does not reside in another woman
• Your happiness does not reside as a single person (if you're currently married)
• Your "feelings" will lie to you. Often. 
• If your marriage isn't a happy place - It is likely your fault.

Yes, you read that right. Your fault. Chances are, your wife is begging you on the inside to be the man she married. Everything she says to you, every time she's frustrated with you, every time she gives you a hard time -- That's her outward way of trying to push you to step up and be the man of her dreams. Be that man. You can do it. In fact, I DARE you to do it. See, I've found that when women tell a man to be a man, she's seen as a nag (or worse); when a man tells another man to step up - it's a challenge...and men LOVE a good challenge.

Remember when you first were dating? Remember nights out and long talks? Remember showering and dressing up for those nights? Do you still do that? Do you still love her and SHOW that you love her? Because guess what - if you don't, another man will. And if you've neglected your wife, chances are, you'll do it to the next one. 

Fix it. Your moment is now. Your legacy or your ruin can begin today. I dare you to step up and be the man that you KNOW you are. You ARE strong. You ARE capable. You CAN do this. It won't be easy, but when has anything worth having EVER come easily? 

The mess becomes the message.

Friday the 16^th marked our 11th wedding anniversary! How crazy is that? This year, we took some time to reflect on the last year; how we got here, and how far God has brought us. We both felt that it was about time to share more of our story.

For us, this anniversary felt more special than our 10^th. This one carried more depth and more meaning for us. I dare say it almost felt like a first for us.

See - a little over a year ago, we had a bomb dropped in our marriage. This was just months after a previous bomb had been dealt with (see previous blog - "Forever Winter"), and we had bandaged up and carried on. As my wounds were finally beginning to heal, my husband’s were unravelling. Mental illness did not help him and some poor choices were made.

It’s his story. It’s my story. It’s our story. I don’t need to share all the gritty details to get my point across. There is something in sharing with you that can be so freeing. Sometimes, to share the amazing things God has done in our lives, you have to share the not-so-great things that have happened. There are things the devil wants us to be ashamed about and hide; so we keep what God did a secret, so we can keep our pride.

Our stories, our messes, and the restoration that only God can do is what we need share more of.

Our marriage was shattered. Our hearts were broken. And it seemed like it was over. I had numbers of lawyers to call. It was really happening. It felt surreal. And I wondered how we got here. I knew how, but it felt so unfair. My heart finally was ready to love and trust again, and his heart was closed. 

After this bomb had been dropped and after much discussion, we decided we should “try again.” But it seemed half-hearted; an “I owe it to you” kind of try. I wasn’t sure what direction we would end up going.

In this time of uncertainty and heartbreak, I had peace that I had never felt. This was a peace that “passed all understanding.” It was a “be still and know that I am God” moment. In all my days forward, I will never forget it. This did not mean I was upbeat and sunshine and roses. I still had days where all I could do was cry and moments that the sadness seemed too much. I was mourning what was, what could’ve been, and the loss of my best friend.

The peace I had was in knowing that God was with me and either way I was going to be okay. I had my close girlfriends praying hard. I had my mom and mother-in-law praying. It was war. I fought hard in prayer for my marriage. We had come out of so much to lose it here. We still loved each other, we may not be able to fix this but God could.

And you know what? He did. He showed up big time.

We were on our way out east for a family road trip to visit my husband’s family. Because why not pack up four small kids and trek across the country when your husband is a little manic and your marriage is hanging on by a thread?! Sounds like a perfectly good idea.

I had started to see some changes and glimmers of hope in our marriage before we left. A few weeks earlier we were sent some amazing books (The Resolution For Men, and the Resolution for Women) and they were really giving us some great perspective. Zak couldn’t put his book down. We would stay up late talking about our new revelations.

The trip actually went surprisingly smooth. I think in the back of our minds we thought this might be our last family trip, so let’s make it a good one. We had time to talk, cry, and laugh. We were in the moment. We avoided talk about the future as much as we could. Towards the end of our trip one late night, all I can share is that God got a hold of my husband. There was much crying, hugging, apologies, and healing that happened that night. Walls were torn down, and we were set on a new path. God changed me too. He softened my heart and we were healed and restored in a way that only God can do. Since that day, our marriage has never felt the same as before. Maybe that should be our new anniversary.

So much restoration has happened in this last year; not just in our marriage, but in our finances, in our family, and in ourselves. I believe God is not even close to being done yet and is just getting started with us. We both have the marriage that our hearts had been wanting for so many years. God has been so good and faithful to us.

We spent our 11th anniversary with our kids and had a special family night at the Mall of America at Build-A-Bear –something the kids have wanted to do in forever and we always said no, or someday. So it was fun to surprise them with a special night. A few days later, we went and celebrated. It was my husband’s turn to plan and all he told me it would be like a day in Paris. So I wore the dress I bought for Paris the previous year but didn’t get to wear due to weather. We had an amazing lunch out, a glass of wine that reminded us of our honeymoon in Napa. We talked, dreamed, planned, and prayed about our life together.  We then went to the Minnesota Institute of Art, visited the Monet exhibit and took in some beauty. It was a beautiful day and I look forward to many more.

Off to celebrate our anniversary 

I wish I could leave with you with 5 easy steps to fix your marriage, but I can’t. All I know is that I think we need to fight for our marriage every day. You both need to be all in, trying to out-give and out-love the other. Your feelings are not always your truth, prayer is your most powerful tool, and that there is always hope. Always. Hope in our God - you may not be able to fix your marriage, but he can. You may not be able to change your circumstances, but he can. Never stop seeking him - don’t get too comfy, don’t settle for less, pray hard for each other, for your children. God is in the restoration business. It’s what he does, and has been doing since Genesis. Let him in your heart and your home and see what he can change - seek his face and in the end you will be okay no matter what.

Everyone Starts Somewhere

Everyone Starts Somewhere...

Ok. So. Several months ago, I joined the gym. Yes, and actual GYM, people! You may notice that my posts have an ongoing theme - Start Somewhere - Just because you can’t do everything, doesn’t mean you should do nothing. I think this is true in many areas of our lives. 

The gym is my latest adventure in “showing up.”

I had tried joining a smaller gym the previous year and it was a disaster. Bennett and Lucy would cry the entire time. I got about 15 minutes of being there the workers would summon be back. I tried working out at home. That was a disaster as well. If it wasn’t the kids interrupting me, it was the needy dog and cat. At home I find too many distractions not to get to my work out.

Don’t get me wrong, I have friends who work out at home and are kill’n it. It’s doable. It just wasn’t my jam. So here I am. To me joining the gym still feels like a luxury. We have never been able to afford to go until recently. I think treating it like a privilege motivates me to get there as well. 

Honestly, I found I need an instructor motivating me to push myself or I just slack the whole time.  

When I began at the gym, all I did was the elliptical machine, first for 30 minutes and then went up to 40-45 min. I did that for a while. Even though the scale didn’t move much, I could feel my stamina increasing and myself getting stronger. This journey isn’t about the scale for me. I’m done with the fad diets and starvation. 

I am done with the unsustainable. 

This time, I want to see what my body does if I exercise AND eat healthy, but balanced. Im going to still have cake at my children's birthdays, and there will be chocolate. This time it really has become a lifestyle for me. I have now been working out for about 5 months, 5 days every week. I have lost some weight, but less than I thought. But I have lost inches and all of my clothes fit better. Some are even getting big on me! 

I feel like this journey has layers. First, it was sleep and improving my nutrition. Then just basically showing up at the gym. Then I started taking the classes they offered. I’ve done some fun runs and I just did a 5k today. My goal was to just keep running, jogging, or wogging as my friend calls it.  Who knows what the next layer will be to bring me closer to my goal. 

I am still learning how to eat differently. I still find the classes challenging. In the beginning, I was so intimidated and too self-conscious to do the classes. It was a “live brave” moment for me! Working out in front of others is hard enough and then to do classes where its all unknown...

But this is where I’ve found the most support. I have encouraging instructors and friends who meet me there regularly. I have have found it humbling as well. I have been the girl who has literally hit her face on the floor doing push ups. I have dry-heaved into a wastebasket after trying a heated class that had to be at least 95 degrees. I have fallen, tripped, had my shoelace stuck in my bike, and been so sore that I considered buying padded toilet seats. True story. 

I have found what works for me and what doesn’t. But if you’re worried about embarrassing yourself, don’t worry I am already out there doing that for you, come join me! 

It’s green eggs and ham. You may be surprised what you like, and how much support is really out there. I was. I have a magnet on my fridge that I read every day - “life begins at the end of your comfort zone” - Neale Donald Walsch. The more I do that and live that way, the more true it becomes. The more alive I feel, the more I learn and laugh. 

Always laugh. 

I think the biggest fight we women face is comparison. But this is YOUR journey. Every body is different. Some can eat horribly and rarely work out and have a 6 pack. I don’t know why this is. I don’t get it either. Life isn’t fair. You can only worry about your own journey, do what you can, and ultimately accept who you are. 

This is still a challenge for me. I have to remind myself daily not to compare and focus on my own path. Every workout I still have to tell myself not to compare - not to wish I was like this or that. I remind myself that the only person I am competing against is myself. I have goals -  realistic ones for my body. This time, as I am on the healthy lifestyle route, I am finding more and more that this is all about peace with myself, accepting who I am and owning it and loving it. Life is too short to avoid putting on that swimsuit and getting out with your kids, to be able to go on that bike ride, and hike to see that sunset. It may not be easy, but its worth it. 

My Pastor years ago wrote a book called “Change Before You Have To.” It’s a great read and I recommend it. That’s what I am trying to do here. Change before something serious happened, I want to live knowing I gave it my best shot. I want to be a good example to my kids and especially my daughter. I want them to strive for health not skinny, not unattainable standards society has put on us.

These last few months have taught me a lot too. I am stronger, braver, and more capable than I think I am. I no longer feel tired all the time. I am more active with my kids. Kellan has become my bike ride companion. Liam has joined me on runs. And the twins love to go on walks with me. Taking care of myself more has made me a better mom, wife, and even friend. I am still on my journey. I am not where I want to be. But I am not where I was and I’m excited to see where I will be in the next 5 months. You may not be ready for a 5k, but start somewhere. Say yes for you, and see where it will take you! 

PS. I really love Julie Morris and her cook books link here-http://www.juliemorris.net/ 

Summer Hangover

I have never doubted that God has a sense of humor. Today, he used my own blog title as a reminder for me. I am certain he finds us very entertaining, as we do our own children. I sometimes picture him face palming himself, like “not again child!?” or “when will you learn this lesson?” 

The last month has been nuts. It seems we have tried to fit everything into the last 3 weeks of summer. In Minnesota, we do this, not to see how crazy we can make our lives, but because we know the cold is coming and we will be trapped in our houses for several months. In the midst of traveling every weekend, day camps, and getting ready for school, Zak was in a car accident. Thankfully he is fine, but we are down to one car at the moment. Everything around our house seems to be breaking. *Warning newlyweds* - all of your gadgets, spatulas, etc, have about a ten-year life span then they all start to fall apart. Homes I would say 5 before major stuff breaks. So make sure to budget for this. On top of it, we all got sick too…shocker. 

Just life. It’s how it goes.

I’m calling it a summer hangover.

But with no recoup time, this mommy is on E. Empty. Nothing left. Nada. Zilch.

I think the kids are too - although they recover quicker than adults. We had major meltdowns at the grocery store which had me day dreaming of hanging out in solitary at the local psych ward. 

This week, Liam has robot camp every day from 9-11:30. It takes us about 30 minutes to get there with no traffic. I haul the kids in and out and off to something else while he is in class. The twins, who we still call “the babies,” even though they are close to being three are tired and not digging all the car time and disruption to their normal routine.

Fresh after surviving the most stressful grocery store visit the day before, today we were headed off to class, only to end up in a major traffic jam. I had planned on dropping off Liam and then heading to the Zoo with the rest of the kids. The traffic was not lessening and Liam was upset that he would miss this morning, no matter how much I reassured him. The twins were in a chorus of screaming, knowing we would now not have time to get to the zoo.

No one was happy.

I felt I was letting them all down. After getting Liam to class finally, we set out to find something else to do. Then…I got mixed up and got lost.

Story of my life. I am directionally challenged. This is genetic and ironic.

This was my breaking point. The tears fell. I pulled over and had a good cry. These are the moments I beat myself up and I find it hard to offer myself grace. These are weeks I wonder “am I really cut out for this?”

Last month, I felt like a boss at this mom thing and this week I am in my car hugging the steering wheel while I sing through my tears, “Jesus Take the Wheel.” I tend to be dramatic. The thing I find funny is that when I travel I anticipate bumps in the road. I am mentally prepared that things may get off schedule and I will have to just make the best out of it. This is, of course, a piece of cake without kids. But even with kids, you just know you may have to catch vomit on the plane, or someone will pee their pants.

That may happen at any point, and I am ready.

So why can’t I do this all the time in everyday life? Why are there still weeks like these? After 8 years of parenting, why I am I not able to go with the flow during the tough weeks? I know we’re human. And we get tired, sick, and worn down. But you think I would get it. 

After my grown up tantrum was over I pulled over to the first coffee shop I could find because we needed to get out of the car asap. We spent stupid money on cupcakes and egg sandwiches for them and a big coffee for me and we sat outside in the cool, but fresh, air. Then we walked over to this water area and I let the kids take off their shoes and splash in the water.

As they were smiling and laughing all my stress began to melt away. I felt God whisper ever so loving to me - “my plans are always better, aren’t they?” I almost cried again. He was right. When I finally surrendered my so-called plan for our day, we found Plan B and it was better than a crazy morning at the zoo. It was simple and we had the whole place to ourselves to be loud and crazy. I didn’t have to worry if I lost anyone or if we saw all we could like at the zoo.

We just were spending time together and having fun.

All I wanted was for us to go and have a good day together. When I look back, I wonder what my problem was. Why did I have to overreact? When will I learn that it’s ok not to have everything according to plan? For Type A people like me, this is hard!

But this is where I strive to be, to roll with it in everyday life. I can say that most of the time, I can, and have come a long way since first becoming a mom 8 years ago. But life still happens - things break at home, kids get sick, and schedules will get jam-packed. All minor problems, but can be overwhelming when they come at once. 

I think this is why the movie “Bad Moms’ was such a hit. It resonated with moms that sometimes we have crying-in-the-car moments and we all feel like we are sucking at this mom thing all alone. But there is something about coming together and sharing with a friend. Something about the kind woman at the store who tells you “I’ve been there too, and totally get it! instead of the usual “my…you have your hands full” comment (I’m OVER that one). There is something comforting and reassuring about solidarity and being there for each other.

I share this because no matter what I look like on FB or to the outside world, I don’t always have it all together. Sometimes I’m owning my zone and kill’n it, and sometimes I’m a plain old hot mess. It’s ok, we all have those days. As Mary Chapin Carpenter sings, “sometimes you’re the bug and sometimes you’re the windshield.” 

I learned another lesson or maybe more of the same one God is trying to get through to me - to let go of all my planning and trust him, trust that he always has something better for me and my family. I love my family and thank God for them. Times may get crazy, but I wouldn’t ask for it to be any different... but maybe I will order groceries online for a while, have some days with no plans, and ask for help with driving the rest of the week.

Oh and guess what? School starts soon, all the praise hands!!

My sweet babes at the end of a long day, the pillow says it all "everyday is an adventure"

Find your Rhythm

*Disclaimer: I love ALL mommas – work mommas, home mommas, ministry mommas, warrior mommas* This is just my experience with finding my rhythm in motherhood.

Seven years ago, we decided that instead of both of us working, that I would stay at home with our firstborn.  It was not an easy choice. I  remember I was elated about this and felt so at peace with this decision; even though it meant relocating to my parents’ basement for a few months and tight budget to follow. And when I say tight, I mean there was a negative in that budget balance.  

Over the years, I wavered in my choice. I let insecurity be a voice in my head. I let tough times tell me that I made a mistake. I believed I was less of a person and woman because I did not have a career, a cute wardrobe, and extra cash in my pocket. I let comparison rob me of my joy. 

But along the way as I focused in more on Jesus and his love for me, I began to remember the dreams of my childhood.

The dreams he planted in me so long ago. The biggest dream of all was being a mom. 

I began slowly to listen to God’s voice instead of those of the world or the negative ones in my head. I started to believe the word of God and what it said of me. Loved, forgiven, set free, victorious child of God. That I was born to be a mother and born for this role as homemaker. It’s kind of a funny word, “homemaker.” The definition is “one who manages a household.”  So much goes into managing a household. Yes, there’s cooking and cleaning, finances,  laundry…SO MUCH LAUNDRY. Jesus be near.

It isn’t a glamorous job most days. I still fight the bad attitude when scrubbing peed-on toilets and sorting laundry. Did I mention that there is a lot of laundry?

I have four kids and the years of babies were hard years for me. Especially with the twins, numbers 3 & 4. I felt like survival was all that I could focus on. Now that the twins are 2 1/2 and we are leaving the baby phase, it’s a whole new world. One where I can take them places and leave the house without...well…nearing a nervous breakdown. ;)

Now I am entering a new season. My older two boys are getting busy with school, sports, and church. I am also back at school finishing my degree.  God keeps planting new dreams. 

But for me it’s a time to “own my zone” - own this label of homemaker and do it well to my standards. Not to Pinterest’s standards, or to the standards of that one mom who seems to always have it together. But to the standard that God has given me, to use the gifts he has given me to raise up the children he has entrusted me with.

Yes a large part of my duties as homemaker are not that exciting. But I get to be the one that is here in the morning and at night. I get to be the one who prays with them each day. I get to hold them when they are sick. I get to speak life over them every chance I get. I get to make the house they live in a home. It may not be huge and fancy, but it’s cozy and filled with touches of how I love them all around. I get to take them on adventures and impact how they see their world.

I get to prepare them for their futures and of course prepare them for doing their own laundry.

Amen. Their wives will thank me.

I think moms are so amazing. Every mom has their own gifts and strengths they bring into their homes. For most of us, it takes time - time to find our own rhythm in motherhood. With each child we add, or life change we have, we have to reframe and adjust our rhythm. 

God is writing our music. Each mom has a different song. We each have to find our own. 

Let’s be honest, I mess up a lot. I lose my cool more than I’d like to admit. I am not always the mother I want to be. When those moments happen, the devil loves to tell us how we have failed and how we will never measure up. He is such a liar. He wants you to give up. He is scared what will happen if you start to embrace who God created you to be. It’s true that we will never be perfect. But that’s why we need Jesus. We need his Grace. We need his love. We need his spirit. We cannot do this alone.

We also need each other. Recently in a book I am reading, I came across this scripture, Titus 2:

“Older women be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. They can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind.” 

This verse gave me so much hope. We are not meant to do it alone. I pray that I can be this to others, to my daughter, and to women around me who are walking the long days of motherhood (or should we call it babyhood). Those years of sleep deprivation are long but quick and there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

So moms - run to Jesus. Listen to what he says about you. Live with purpose. Those days where you are changing diapers, cleaning unimaginable things, and you feel so weary, give yourself grace. Run to Him, seek Him. He loves you and has so many good things for your life. He made you, he wants you to be you. He created you just for what your children need. 

My crazy troop of monkeys and I "watching" a movie on a Friday night.